Empty Nest

Once again, it's been a while since my last post.  The biggest news is that I started doing foster care on October 17th, 2013 and my 10-year old girl went back to her home on February 26th.  It happened pretty quickly actually, which is how it often goes in foster care.  Her family had court on the 25th and she was back home on the 26th.  I do miss her and I miss having someone to take care of (sort of).  It's been a really busy and crazy year so far, actually starting from my foster care experience.  My mom also went into a nursing home in January, which is another big change.  Hence, the name of my blog post today. :)

I thought I would be doing so many things once I had "time to myself."  The truth is that I kind of shut down after being so busy and so crazy.  I have had a really limited amount of motivation and have been having trouble doing the things I need to do.  I "think" about doing a lot and I really want to get "back into the groove" but the truth is that many nights after work I come home, plop on my couch, and watch T.V.  Sometimes I will spend a little time in one of the rooms upstairs trying to organize and get rid of things.  There are two rooms of my mom's things upstairs that are filled with lots of garage sale items, office supplies, and just "junk."  In the midst of all the stuff up there, I have also been coming across memories, which can be fun but often hard.  I am reminded of how great things "used to be" with my mom and how I slowly became the evil daughter in her eyes as the dementia progressed.   I could say lots about this particular topic, but I will save it for my other blog called "The Chronicles of Helen." brenda-thechroniclesofhelen.blogspot.com. Check it out if you feel like it.

The good news is that I think I am making some progress in getting out of my slump.  I am still sitting here alone in this big empty (and messy) house but I didn't come home today and immediately head for the couch.  Okay, I am here now but the TV is not on and I am typing in my blog! This is something I often think about and rarely do.  I even come up with narratives for my blog while I am driving in the car.  I'm sure they have software now that can translate my recordings into typed text.  I should really look into that.  Anyway, I'll take the small steps.  I also bought myself a new pair of sneakers yesterday in hopes that it would motivate me to go running (I have a half-marathon in 2 1/2 weeks and the farthest I've run is 3 miles!)  but alas I didn't make it outside.  Unfortunately when I had my foster child (Let's call her Sara), I did minimal running.  I had Sara run with me one day and we did less than a mile the first day.  The second time we went was a few weeks later and she wanted a doughnut at Dunkin Donuts.  I told her that if she wanted one, she would have to run with me to Dunkin Donuts and we would have to run at least a mile. LOL.  Dunkin Donuts is less than a mile from my house so we had to circle around a little and we actually ended up doing about a mile and a half.  Those two runs and a handful of times at the YMCA were my extent of exercise for 4 1/2 months and I'm having a difficult time getting back into the routing and also changing my eating habits.  I know this is just an excuse but I really can't wait for the warmer weather.  I feel like it makes it so hard to get motivated.  I'm just trying to make sense of it all.  I know I just need to schedule things in order to get myself motivated.  So any of my local friends reading this, pin me down for a date to do anything to get me out of the house, especially exercise! I really have no valid excuse for not doing it! (Crap, I hope I didn't just set myself up for trouble there!)

So much to say and I'm sure that this seems very disjointed and unorganized but that IS how I am! Ha ha!  I just want to make sure I get it all out.  I'm looking at making a major change in regards to "career."  Not sure if I should be "putting this in writing" but here goes....

Whenever I think about what I really and truly enjoy doing, it often comes back to event planning.  I really enjoy planning various events for not-for-profit organizations.  There are jobs as Development Directors for several organizations but most of these jobs require experience.  I'm sure I can get some of this experience through volunteering but I need to do this during the day.  Therefore, I'm seriously thinking about getting a job as a waitress and using my daytime hours to pursue this goal.  It may sound crazy but it's something I have wanted to do for a very long time so I figured I should go for it.  It's scary and exciting all at the same time.  I will keep you posted!  So far, I haven't yet applied for any waitressing jobs, but I've "thought" about where I want to apply! Yikes! I just need to do it!  Pray for me to get the motivation I need to make the next step.  Once I get there I know I can do great things! Are you with me? ;)

Here we go again! Happy New Year 2014

As you can see, I've been slacking on my blog posts.  Each year I try it again and this year will be no different! :)

One of the reasons I've been slacking is because I started doing foster care in October and I've had a 10-year old girl.  I won't blog about her but I'll just say that between having her and taking care of my mom and working, I've been VERY busy!!  I am exhausted every night but I'm starting to get into a routine and I actually worked out with a trainer last night and signed up for an exercise class called X-Plode on Thursday evenings.  Now to find time to train for my half-marathon in April!

I wont actually blog about my foster child but I will say that I have learned quite a bit about the challenges of being a single parent. I know I'm not her actual parent but my life has changed tremendously over the past few months!  I now have to prepare meals every night and I have to be home by a certain time.  I can't just leave the house when I feel like it and did I mention that I'm exhausted?  Ha ha!  I am so grateful to have such wonderful friends who have supported me in so many ways!  I promise I will thank you all and call those of you that I've been meaning to call.  If you haven't heard from me, please know that it's not because I'm unappreciative; it's just because I'm tired.  That's not a complaint or an excuse; it's just me trying to juggle all of my new responsibilities.  I'm rambling, I know.  Maybe I should just go to bed for now and try again tomorrow.

I'll talk to you all soon! Thanks again to all my friends reading this and know that I appreciate you! :)

Random Thoughts

As I go through my days, I often think about things that I should write about in my blog.  I even create a narrative in my head of what I will write and how I would write it.  Then I get busy and of course forget the narrative.  The good part of that is the fact that I have lots of things going on in my life so I am busy living and doing fun things.  The bad part is that the few of you who read this blog don't get to hear about my awesome life. Ha ha ha! 

I don't want to make this blog all about my ex-boyfriend but there are times that I have thoughts and it helps me to get it out.  Since he was such an important part of my life for so long, I think it's natural to reflect on things at times.  It just sucks that his betrayal shed such a dark shadow on so many of my memories.  These memories hit me at different times and tonight it was as simple as a race shirt from a run that we did in Connecticut.  It was on July 22, 2012 which was actually after I found out that he had been lying to me and had been dating several other women.  I found out all of that on April 28, 2012 the day before Sean's Run in Chatham. Funny how it all revolves around a run. Anyway, he bared his sole and promised to get counseling and we even went to church together.  We were spending time together again and I guess we were trying to work things out again.  I distinctly remember him going to the car to move it.  Now that I think about it there was no real reason for him to move the car.  I remember going back to the car after the people in charge of the race had found an additional shirt for me so I went to bring it back to the car.  All I can think of now is that he was calling one of his girlfriends to "check in." This is what he did all the time while he was with one of us.  He was never really fully with you.  There was always someone else.  This is what I think about now when I remember our time together.  It's sad and disheartening.  Even when times were bad between us, I thought that we were going to be together.  It isn't as heartbreaking anymore but it's still hurtful to think that someone that you loved with all of your heart could have such total disregard for you.

On the positive side of things (because you know I always am. LOL) I have really moved forward with things in my life.  He was not able to break me or to break my spirit.  I've been doing volunteer work for an organization called Jazzy Sun Birthdays and Maddie's Mark of course.  We'll be planning a fall festival on Sunday, October 27th from 1-4 pm.  I'm also working on an event for Huntington's Disease Society and we are going to do a 5K or 10K or a combo next year.  Maybe I'll actually direct my first race!  I don't know how involved they will want me to be but they seem to think that I know a lot. LOL.  I've been volunteering occasionally at race events as well.  Most recently I volunteered at Saratoga Palio Half marathon.  I volunteer when I don't actually feel like running the race.  I have to get myself geared up again for running distance since I have the Hudson Mohawk Half Marathon next month. Yikes!  I ran my 18.12 run and then lost my umph! I'm hoping I can get it back soon since I don't have much time left! 

OK - That post was pretty disjointed and hurried and I apologize but it's a start! :)

You need both Sunshine and Rain to make a Rainbow. :)

Written on 6/27/13 (Forgot to Publish)

I'm sitting here reflecting on my life and I have to say that overall I am very happy. :) I feel very fortunate to have so many wonderful friends and family members who are there for me.  I have to remember this when I am disappointed by those who I reach out to who do not respond.  The positives far outweigh the negatives.

I look at my life now and I am happy with so many things despite my living arrangement with my mom and her condition.  It makes me sad sometimes to see how she has declined and how she doesn't remember things that used to make us laugh.  I remember talking about Alzheimer's when I was younger and discussing how it would be the worst thing to have.  I hate the fact that I am constantly annoyed or agitated with her.  I think I just miss the relationship we used to have and how independent she always was.  I'm sure she misses it too and I should be more understanding.  The roles have reversed and I've lost the mom I used to have and haven't completely adapted to this new version of her. I need to create more routines, which is really difficult for me but I really think it would help.  I got a little off topic there. Sorry. 

I meant to start off with the things I am "happy" about and I started with one of my "difficulties" instead.  I will say that my mom is easier to live with now than a year ago so that's good. :)  I have been doing lots of house projects including planting flowers and covering the ground with weed block and mulch out front on the hill.  I have been wanting to do that for years! Now I won't have to mow the hill. :)  I should also mention that my friend Kim helped me immensely with this project.  She helped pick out all of the plants and guided me in exactly what I needed to do and was there by my side helping me the entire time.  I am truly thankful to have met Kim and her husband John. :)  I met Kim when I dated her cousin that was staying with her.  He turned out to be not such a great guy but Kim turned out to be a great friend that I feel like I've known for years. :)  Everything happens for a reason.

Lessons Learned

Hi There! I know again it's been a while but as the title of my last post states, I've been busy, busy, busy! I've been living my life, having fun and learning a little along the way. I'm honestly not sure what my "Lesson's Learned" list is going to look like but I do know that one thing I've learned is to listen to your gut.

As you know, it's been over a year since John and I broke up.  I think the last time we actually spoke was December or January.  I have gone through periods of sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment.  I have also gotten mad at myself for believing all of his lies along the way.  I've also had feelings of betrayal and have been angry with his family for helping him to carry out his lies and for not warning me or other women about what he was and I'm sure is still doing.  I have and continue to have a very hard time understanding how a person can live with himself and do the things that he does to others on a daily basis.  I think back to situations where he would criticize others for doing these awful things only to find out he did them himself.  He was arrogant and manipulative in the way he did things.  He was living at my house and would leave when I got home from work to go to stay with another girlfriend.  He actually brought me to her house (outside) to drop off her truck (which I rode in) which he borrowed.  He re gifted a Christmas gift from her and gave it to me.  He took a picture of himself in the bathroom while we were on vacation to send to a girlfriend in NY on Valentine's day so he could show her how he looked in the red shirt she got him before going out on a date with me.  While the other girlfriend (In NC) was celebrating her birthday without him.  He told all of us that he wanted to start a family and when confronted about "other women" he became angry with the cliche, "I can't believe you would ask me that!" Manipulation at it's finest!  I could probably write a book about it all but for now I will say that you don't realize how much energy a negative person takes.  I think my lesson here is "Listen to your instincts."  I knew that things were not right but I truly loved this person and was willing to accept him regardless of our arguments and his short temper at times.  I accepted his lies and tried to justify his intense need for "privacy" when he carried his phone with him everywhere.  He knew it bothered me but just brushed me off.  I guess another lesson from this is "Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are."  This brings me to another incident in my life that happened recently and that I'm still dealing with.

I recently went over to my brother and sister-in-laws house to discuss some things about my mother.  I was excited to be able to see my family despite the circumstances of our meeting.  See, my niece, her husband, and her son (my great nephew) are now staying there and I have only seen my great-nephew one time even though he is now 6-months old.  I have tried to call, text, and even facebook message my niece to set up a "play date" but have received no response.  When I arrived they were not there but showed up slightly before 8pm.  They kind of said hello as they raced past me.  Jackson (my great-nephew) had gotten wet in the rain.  I figured that they would go change him and then bring him down so I could say hello and "meet" him but apparently that was not meant to happen.  According to my sister-in-law and brother, they have him on a "tight schedule" and put him right to bed.  Basically, I am not an important enough reason to adjust his schedule by even 5-minutes.  I decided to finally have a conversation with my sister-in-law about how this hurt my feelings.  I would have liked to have this conversation with Erin as well but since she continues to ignore me and run past me, this was not a possibility.  Anyway, I also addressed the fact that my sister-in-law never accepts invitations from me to get-together and that she does not invite me anywhere either.  Her basic response to this was "Oh well."  She didn't use those exact words but that is what she was basically saying by her demeanor and her "I don't do anything" and "That's just how I am" phrases.  She basically didn't care that my feelings were hurt and brushed me off.  Yes, this bothers me especially since it's my family and I would love nothing more than to have a relationship with them but I just need to let go since it's totally one-sided.  I do need to communicate with my brother for the sake of my mom but outside of that, I have already but forth so much effort over the years and need to focus my effort on more productive things.  I'm sure I will have my moments because I know myself! LOL! But I will try not to let it bother me!

I have many more lessons but I will stop at that for today.  I will also say that I don't mean this post to be a downer just a reflection.  I am actually very happy and feel like I have been more like myself this past year than I have been in quite a while.  After losing my sister and dealing with my mom's dementia, I guess I was somewhat vulnerable and allowed myself to be treated in a way that was unkind and made me feel like less than I was.  I was still here and still had some great times but I am overall much happier and don't have to deal with being questioned or put down as often as I did while I was with John.  He would build me up and bring me down on a regular basis just to make himself feel better.  Now that I'm by myself I may be sad sometimes but I don't cry nearly as much as I used to.  I used to feel so hurt by the things he said and did.  Again, I'm not trying to be a downer.  This is just kind of my journal of sorts and just me getting it all out.  I'll try to post my funny story tomorrow along with my lesson to "Not take life too seriously."


Lessons from Today's Blog Post:
Listen to your instincts.
Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

I know it's been quite a while since I've written.  I just looked at my last entry and it was like 3 months ago! I guess I have been busy living life.  I haven't forgotten about my little blog here and I often think about entries I would like to write and then I just get too busy to do it.  I do want to say thank you to my friend Belynda who keeps me on her "reading list" and to anyone else who checks in periodically to see if I've written anything. :)

I started my 2-week and 2-day vacation from work on Thursday and I am happy to say that I have been very productive! Thanks to wonderful friends and an awesome support system I am getting things done! I recently completed all of the major steps that I needed to complete in order to become a foster parent. I am now just waiting to hear back from the caseworker to update me on the status of my home study.  I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I'm excited to take on the challenge and I hope to be a positive influence in a child's life.  I'm nervous because I know that my life will change greatly.  I'm finally getting myself on a great routine of exercise and everything will change. But that's what life is all about, right?  I often hear myself singing the theme song from the show "The Facts of Life." "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there ya have.... The Facts of Life."  I know I'm a dork!  I just can't help myself sometimes. :)

Anyway, I have found a group of about 3 other women that I have been running with on weekday mornings at 5:15 a.m.  Those of you that know me know that I am not a morning person but it's great to have such an awesome group who is willing to run at my slow pace.  And they are a fun group too!  Or should I say FRUN?  In addition to the morning run I started a 4-week boot camp at Tawasentha Park which is 3-nights per week.  I've also been trying to go to the Thursday night trail runs through my running club whenever possible.

The past few days have been occupied with yard work.  My friend Kim has been helping me with this and we are working on a project that I have wanted to do for several years. I can't stand mowing the front lawn since it is on a hill.  I have always wanted to put something there that is easily maintained and does not involve mowing!  So I bought several plants, mulch, and weed block (with Kim's help and guidance) and we dug, planted, and layed down the ground cover and mulch!  One side is now completely done (pictures will follow soon) and the smaller side just needs to be covered and mulched.  I can't wait until it's complete.  We have been working on this project in the midst of graduations, graduation parties, and me visiting babies. :)  It feels great to be making progress!

I will end by saying I am very thankful and very blessed to have many wonderful people in my life that are there for me and help me when I need help.  I truly think that everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes those reasons can be figured out and sometimes not but I am feeling happy and truly blessed.  I have much more to say but it's getting late so I'm going to save it for tomorrow. ;) (I hope!)

Taking the Bull by the Horns!

In keeping with my goal to do one new and different thing each month, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do for March.  As it turns out, I already had something planned that I didn't even realize qualified as this.  I attended a fundraising event for my favorite charity, Maddie's Mark and it was a bull riding event.  So, not only was I able to support a great cause, but I had so much fun doing it.  (Pictures will be included below).

I have to tell you that before I went to this event I was thinking to myself that this couldn't be very hard. I just thought to myself, "I'll hold on as tight as I can with both hands and I won't let go."  Then...I got there and the first thing I had to do was get on the bull.  It was much taller than me so how was I supposed to do this?  "Just jump on up" is what I was told.  This sounds much easier than it looks and initially I was very intimidated, but I couldn't fail even before I had "ridden" the thing! So, I mustered up my inner strength and used the inflatable floor to help bolster myself up there and there I was ready to hold on tight with both hands. Then, what do I hear from the people running the mechanical bull?  "One hand!"  Crap, there goes my entire strategy but OK, I've never done this before so I put my hand in the air as I'm told, they "start" the bull when I'm ready, and I promptly fall off! Ride over! All that anticipation and "preparation" and I fall off almost immediately but I tried it.


Next, I see other people trying again so I think, what the heck, why not?  This time I still had some trouble jumping up on the bull, but I've done it before so I know I can do it again.  This time I squeeze my legs tight and hold on and I'm not thrown off immediately.  I actually last a "few" seconds and then I fall off.  I didn't tell anyone this, but I felt a tightening in one of my leg muscles, otherwise I would have tried again. LOL. I really wanted to but I was afraid I would pull something and then be out of commission again.  All in all, despite my weaknesses it truly was a fun evening and I would totally do it all over again!  In fact, I want to go back! Anyone wanna join me?  Maybe next year I can last 5-10 seconds!