You need both Sunshine and Rain to make a Rainbow. :)

Written on 6/27/13 (Forgot to Publish)

I'm sitting here reflecting on my life and I have to say that overall I am very happy. :) I feel very fortunate to have so many wonderful friends and family members who are there for me.  I have to remember this when I am disappointed by those who I reach out to who do not respond.  The positives far outweigh the negatives.

I look at my life now and I am happy with so many things despite my living arrangement with my mom and her condition.  It makes me sad sometimes to see how she has declined and how she doesn't remember things that used to make us laugh.  I remember talking about Alzheimer's when I was younger and discussing how it would be the worst thing to have.  I hate the fact that I am constantly annoyed or agitated with her.  I think I just miss the relationship we used to have and how independent she always was.  I'm sure she misses it too and I should be more understanding.  The roles have reversed and I've lost the mom I used to have and haven't completely adapted to this new version of her. I need to create more routines, which is really difficult for me but I really think it would help.  I got a little off topic there. Sorry. 

I meant to start off with the things I am "happy" about and I started with one of my "difficulties" instead.  I will say that my mom is easier to live with now than a year ago so that's good. :)  I have been doing lots of house projects including planting flowers and covering the ground with weed block and mulch out front on the hill.  I have been wanting to do that for years! Now I won't have to mow the hill. :)  I should also mention that my friend Kim helped me immensely with this project.  She helped pick out all of the plants and guided me in exactly what I needed to do and was there by my side helping me the entire time.  I am truly thankful to have met Kim and her husband John. :)  I met Kim when I dated her cousin that was staying with her.  He turned out to be not such a great guy but Kim turned out to be a great friend that I feel like I've known for years. :)  Everything happens for a reason.

Lessons Learned

Hi There! I know again it's been a while but as the title of my last post states, I've been busy, busy, busy! I've been living my life, having fun and learning a little along the way. I'm honestly not sure what my "Lesson's Learned" list is going to look like but I do know that one thing I've learned is to listen to your gut.

As you know, it's been over a year since John and I broke up.  I think the last time we actually spoke was December or January.  I have gone through periods of sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment.  I have also gotten mad at myself for believing all of his lies along the way.  I've also had feelings of betrayal and have been angry with his family for helping him to carry out his lies and for not warning me or other women about what he was and I'm sure is still doing.  I have and continue to have a very hard time understanding how a person can live with himself and do the things that he does to others on a daily basis.  I think back to situations where he would criticize others for doing these awful things only to find out he did them himself.  He was arrogant and manipulative in the way he did things.  He was living at my house and would leave when I got home from work to go to stay with another girlfriend.  He actually brought me to her house (outside) to drop off her truck (which I rode in) which he borrowed.  He re gifted a Christmas gift from her and gave it to me.  He took a picture of himself in the bathroom while we were on vacation to send to a girlfriend in NY on Valentine's day so he could show her how he looked in the red shirt she got him before going out on a date with me.  While the other girlfriend (In NC) was celebrating her birthday without him.  He told all of us that he wanted to start a family and when confronted about "other women" he became angry with the cliche, "I can't believe you would ask me that!" Manipulation at it's finest!  I could probably write a book about it all but for now I will say that you don't realize how much energy a negative person takes.  I think my lesson here is "Listen to your instincts."  I knew that things were not right but I truly loved this person and was willing to accept him regardless of our arguments and his short temper at times.  I accepted his lies and tried to justify his intense need for "privacy" when he carried his phone with him everywhere.  He knew it bothered me but just brushed me off.  I guess another lesson from this is "Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are."  This brings me to another incident in my life that happened recently and that I'm still dealing with.

I recently went over to my brother and sister-in-laws house to discuss some things about my mother.  I was excited to be able to see my family despite the circumstances of our meeting.  See, my niece, her husband, and her son (my great nephew) are now staying there and I have only seen my great-nephew one time even though he is now 6-months old.  I have tried to call, text, and even facebook message my niece to set up a "play date" but have received no response.  When I arrived they were not there but showed up slightly before 8pm.  They kind of said hello as they raced past me.  Jackson (my great-nephew) had gotten wet in the rain.  I figured that they would go change him and then bring him down so I could say hello and "meet" him but apparently that was not meant to happen.  According to my sister-in-law and brother, they have him on a "tight schedule" and put him right to bed.  Basically, I am not an important enough reason to adjust his schedule by even 5-minutes.  I decided to finally have a conversation with my sister-in-law about how this hurt my feelings.  I would have liked to have this conversation with Erin as well but since she continues to ignore me and run past me, this was not a possibility.  Anyway, I also addressed the fact that my sister-in-law never accepts invitations from me to get-together and that she does not invite me anywhere either.  Her basic response to this was "Oh well."  She didn't use those exact words but that is what she was basically saying by her demeanor and her "I don't do anything" and "That's just how I am" phrases.  She basically didn't care that my feelings were hurt and brushed me off.  Yes, this bothers me especially since it's my family and I would love nothing more than to have a relationship with them but I just need to let go since it's totally one-sided.  I do need to communicate with my brother for the sake of my mom but outside of that, I have already but forth so much effort over the years and need to focus my effort on more productive things.  I'm sure I will have my moments because I know myself! LOL! But I will try not to let it bother me!

I have many more lessons but I will stop at that for today.  I will also say that I don't mean this post to be a downer just a reflection.  I am actually very happy and feel like I have been more like myself this past year than I have been in quite a while.  After losing my sister and dealing with my mom's dementia, I guess I was somewhat vulnerable and allowed myself to be treated in a way that was unkind and made me feel like less than I was.  I was still here and still had some great times but I am overall much happier and don't have to deal with being questioned or put down as often as I did while I was with John.  He would build me up and bring me down on a regular basis just to make himself feel better.  Now that I'm by myself I may be sad sometimes but I don't cry nearly as much as I used to.  I used to feel so hurt by the things he said and did.  Again, I'm not trying to be a downer.  This is just kind of my journal of sorts and just me getting it all out.  I'll try to post my funny story tomorrow along with my lesson to "Not take life too seriously."


Lessons from Today's Blog Post:
Listen to your instincts.
Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

I know it's been quite a while since I've written.  I just looked at my last entry and it was like 3 months ago! I guess I have been busy living life.  I haven't forgotten about my little blog here and I often think about entries I would like to write and then I just get too busy to do it.  I do want to say thank you to my friend Belynda who keeps me on her "reading list" and to anyone else who checks in periodically to see if I've written anything. :)

I started my 2-week and 2-day vacation from work on Thursday and I am happy to say that I have been very productive! Thanks to wonderful friends and an awesome support system I am getting things done! I recently completed all of the major steps that I needed to complete in order to become a foster parent. I am now just waiting to hear back from the caseworker to update me on the status of my home study.  I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I'm excited to take on the challenge and I hope to be a positive influence in a child's life.  I'm nervous because I know that my life will change greatly.  I'm finally getting myself on a great routine of exercise and everything will change. But that's what life is all about, right?  I often hear myself singing the theme song from the show "The Facts of Life." "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there ya have.... The Facts of Life."  I know I'm a dork!  I just can't help myself sometimes. :)

Anyway, I have found a group of about 3 other women that I have been running with on weekday mornings at 5:15 a.m.  Those of you that know me know that I am not a morning person but it's great to have such an awesome group who is willing to run at my slow pace.  And they are a fun group too!  Or should I say FRUN?  In addition to the morning run I started a 4-week boot camp at Tawasentha Park which is 3-nights per week.  I've also been trying to go to the Thursday night trail runs through my running club whenever possible.

The past few days have been occupied with yard work.  My friend Kim has been helping me with this and we are working on a project that I have wanted to do for several years. I can't stand mowing the front lawn since it is on a hill.  I have always wanted to put something there that is easily maintained and does not involve mowing!  So I bought several plants, mulch, and weed block (with Kim's help and guidance) and we dug, planted, and layed down the ground cover and mulch!  One side is now completely done (pictures will follow soon) and the smaller side just needs to be covered and mulched.  I can't wait until it's complete.  We have been working on this project in the midst of graduations, graduation parties, and me visiting babies. :)  It feels great to be making progress!

I will end by saying I am very thankful and very blessed to have many wonderful people in my life that are there for me and help me when I need help.  I truly think that everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes those reasons can be figured out and sometimes not but I am feeling happy and truly blessed.  I have much more to say but it's getting late so I'm going to save it for tomorrow. ;) (I hope!)

Taking the Bull by the Horns!

In keeping with my goal to do one new and different thing each month, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do for March.  As it turns out, I already had something planned that I didn't even realize qualified as this.  I attended a fundraising event for my favorite charity, Maddie's Mark and it was a bull riding event.  So, not only was I able to support a great cause, but I had so much fun doing it.  (Pictures will be included below).

I have to tell you that before I went to this event I was thinking to myself that this couldn't be very hard. I just thought to myself, "I'll hold on as tight as I can with both hands and I won't let go."  Then...I got there and the first thing I had to do was get on the bull.  It was much taller than me so how was I supposed to do this?  "Just jump on up" is what I was told.  This sounds much easier than it looks and initially I was very intimidated, but I couldn't fail even before I had "ridden" the thing! So, I mustered up my inner strength and used the inflatable floor to help bolster myself up there and there I was ready to hold on tight with both hands. Then, what do I hear from the people running the mechanical bull?  "One hand!"  Crap, there goes my entire strategy but OK, I've never done this before so I put my hand in the air as I'm told, they "start" the bull when I'm ready, and I promptly fall off! Ride over! All that anticipation and "preparation" and I fall off almost immediately but I tried it.


Next, I see other people trying again so I think, what the heck, why not?  This time I still had some trouble jumping up on the bull, but I've done it before so I know I can do it again.  This time I squeeze my legs tight and hold on and I'm not thrown off immediately.  I actually last a "few" seconds and then I fall off.  I didn't tell anyone this, but I felt a tightening in one of my leg muscles, otherwise I would have tried again. LOL. I really wanted to but I was afraid I would pull something and then be out of commission again.  All in all, despite my weaknesses it truly was a fun evening and I would totally do it all over again!  In fact, I want to go back! Anyone wanna join me?  Maybe next year I can last 5-10 seconds!

Life can be "Taxing"

My "vacation" week is coming to a close and I can definitely say that I have accomplished some things but I also feel like I have a long way to go.  I have had a mixture of feelings about many different things.  I feel hopeful because I am making some progress toward my goals of foster care, getting my finances in order, and getting my house together.  I feel frustrated because all of these things take time and energy.  To be honest, I often have a difficult time getting myself motivated to do the things I need to do and that is frustrating to me at times.  Sometimes I have so many things on my plate that I become overwhelmed but it's weird because I can have that overwhelmed feeling whether its one thing or 20 things.  I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I sometimes get very frustrated with myself.  It helps me to plan things with other people because then I "have" to move!  LOL!  I feel happy because I have lots of friends and family who support me in my various endeavors, which definitely keeps me going! So thank you to all of you for all you do.  Sometimes I feel disenchanted because there are people that have been in my life that didn't turn out to be who I thought they were. It also makes me feel sad but I know that I am strong and can move past this eventually.  It's just something that is hard for me to digest at times.  I do, however continue to pray for these type of people.

Okay, so lets talk about my hopefulness!  I finally filed my taxes for the past 4 years. I think I may have posted that in one of my previous entries but it's pretty big news so it's worth posting again.  I like having this blog because even though everyone who reads it knows all of my business, it's not like posting 5 million posts on facebook where people who don't necessarily care read it.  It's something you can click on if you want to.  You may not always want to read about ALL of my rantings but you can just glaze over those parts if you want (I don't mind. LOL).  I mostly just do this for myself and anyone who wants to know.  I don't really tell everyone about this blog.  I may invite a few people here and there to read it, but really not many.  Ok... I got a little sidetracked there.  So, I completed my taxes and I was so nervous that I was gonna owe tons of money and it turns out I'm getting a refund even after all the fees from H&R Block and after having to pay taxes for 2010.  Yippee! And I was so scared!  Next step is working on getting a loan for my back taxes on my house.  One step at a time.  I'm also hopeful because I am making steps toward getting my house in order, although at the moment it looks like a tornado came through here!  But, I have my washer and dryer hooked up and the painting is really coming along.  I have to pick up the bed from my friend Jess and the crib from my friend Tiana.  Just have to check with my brother if I can borrow his truck.

Frustration.... This feeling comes and goes quite a bit.  I get frustrated by the organization (or lack of) in my house.  I know I need to get used to dealing with a child in the house and organization will be out the window, but at least I can establish rules for the child.  The same is not always true with my mother and she really does try to help.  It's just that her "help" often causes me more work, which can be frustrating.  I get frustrated with myself because I am not more patient with her and I don't spend much quality time with her.  Yes, I make sure she has meals such as setting out her breakfast in the morning and heating up a microwave meal at dinner time but I know that's lame.  I think I need to get everything else in order before I can focus on actually cooking dinners.  It may just be an excuse but it sometimes comes down to lack of motivation.  I know I am going in circles here but that's what frustration can do! Ugh!

I'm going to skip to disenchanted and sad so I can end on happy! :)  I think that disenchanted and sad go together.  I don't want to talk too much about my relationship with John because I really want to move on and close that chapter in my life, but it seems to pop up time and again.  I really wish that I could take away the happy memories from the relationship and cherish them, but because of all that I now know, all of my memories are tarnished.  Each time I think about a point in our relationship that I felt really and truly happy, I wonder who else he was texting or if he was sending pictures to another woman.  I think about all of the times that he couldn't go away with me for a weekend because he "couldn't afford it" but then he took a trip to North Carolina to see an ex-girlfriend and then lied about why he went there.  I think about the times he was staying at my house and when I would get home from work he would get dressed up and leave to go do work "at the cabin owners place" which turned out to be a girlfriend.  I think about the times he had to "work" in Catskill, and how his phone never had reception and then to later find out that this was another girlfriend.  There are countless examples of deception and lies and although I questioned them, I accepted the lame excuses that were given to me and I continuously went back and gave him more chances.  I think about how stupid I was and how gullible.  It makes me sad because I truly was invested in the relationship and it was all one big lie.  It will definitely change what I will accept from others in the future but it makes me sad to think that someone feels the need to be so deceptive and manipulative towards those who are vulnerable and kind. Luckily, I am also a strong person and I will get past this and have for the most part.  It just hits me at times more than at others.  When you have spent 4 1/2 years of your life with a person and you are deceived the way that I was, it doesn't just go away overnight. It comes and goes in waves.  It doesn't mean that I am sitting here pining away.  It just means that I feel truly sad that a person feels they need to do those things to get ahead in life.  I will never resort to that kind of behavior for many reasons.  First of all, I think that lying takes a lot of energy.  You not only have to keep your stories straight, but you have to deal with all that guilt on a day to day basis.  I feel guilty if I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings so to continuously lie would be totally taxing! I'm not sure if everyone feels guilty about such things, but I would!  OK.  Again, I guess I talked about that more than I wanted to so I'm moving on to the next feeling and the one that I hope will carry me throughout the year.

I feel happy because of all of the support that I have received from friends and family.  I have so many kind and caring people in my life and I know that it's silly to focus on the past negativity.  That's why I try to write about it so I can let it go.  I am not an angry person. I'm a happy person. :)  All of the wonderful people in my life help me to be that way.  I hope that when I am certified as a foster parent that I can help bring happiness into the lives of any children that may pass through my home.  I feel that this is something I am meant to do and I look forward to this next step in my journey of life! Peace and happiness to all of you! :)

Kindness and Honesty

I know I'm on a roll today with posting, but I had several different subjects I wanted to write about and I didn't want to lump it all into one.  Kindness and honesty is something that I think about often.  Now, I know I'm not perfect and I make tons of mistakes but I really do try to be a good and decent person and I try to do the right thing.  I try not to judge others but I suppose we all do at some point without realizing it at times.  I really try not to though!  I will start by saying that I have been blessed in my life with some really wonderful people who are kind and thoughtful, and honest so I have a really hard time when someone is not.  It really bothers me deep down into my soul and it hurts me at times.  Will I get over it? Yes. Will I move on? Yes. Does it still bother me? Yes!

Some of you know what I am referring to here and others may wonder but I really struggle with the fact that one person's lies can cause damage to so many people, especially when the person is preying on kind and decent people.  I will never understand it.  I continue to pray every night for this person as well as many other people but I don't see any change.  I know that I just need to accept the fact that I can't change anyone on my own and whatever will be will be.  At times, this is easier to do than others.  Today, I am having a more difficult time with this and with accepting this fact of life.  Tomorrow will be better.

I'm sorry for my rambling and for going on and on.  This is more for me than for anything else and it helps me to process it all. It's like my journal for all to see! LOL. But I need to put it out there and to just let it go.  I truly am happier without the negativity in my life that was there but I worry about other women that may fall victim to the same lies and negativity that I endured.  I think that I unfortunately need to let that go and work on something that I can do to help others and that is foster care.  I wanted to do it several years ago and now I can! That's why I'm working on getting all of the important stuff done.

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

That was a short post, but somehow it was helpful to get it out. Please bare with me as I work through and past this in posts from time to time.  Luckily there is only a small group of you who reads this. LOL! :)

Rock On!

This is my actual post for today. :) I spent the day with my godson Alex and my friend Jacqueline and her son John and we had an awesome day.  Alex is 9-years old and John is 8-years old.  We began our day by meeting at IHOP for breakfast. Yummy!  The boys hit it off instantly and got along well for the majority of our time together (minus a little question about the rules for Uno. LOL).

Our plans were to go to "The Edge" rock climbing gym in Halfmoon, but since they didn't open until noon we had some time to kill so off to the toystore we went. What fun! We started at one toystore and the adults had just as much fun as the kids!  We would have spent more time there, but the kids really needed a restroom and they didn't have one for us to use there.  :(  Instead, we stopped at the coffee shop, where Jacqueline and I got ourselves another cup of coffee and then headed off for our next adventure. Guess where we ended up?  In ANOTHER toy store.  This one was much smaller but had some really cool novelty stuff and we bought some Mad Libs to do with the kids! :)

Enjoy the pic of the wonderful "characters" I spent my day with. :)  After our visit to this toy store, we went to the lobby of Clifton Park Center where we did a few MadLibs.  The boys were laughing hysterically! That was the best and reminded me of the days when I used to do Mad Libs as a kid.  And as if this wasn't enough fun for the day, we STILL had our trip to the rock climbing gym!

We got to the gym where they gave Jacqueline and I instructions on belaying so that we could do it for the kids and for each other.  Then we each took our turns at climbing. :)  We took lots of pictures and I will add a few at the end of this post.  We all had a really great time and helped to encourage each other.  Jacqueline and John had to unfortunately leave earlier than Alex and I so the two of us left to have a quick Burger King lunch (boys really get hungry!) before coming back to climb some more!  I mostly belayed (since kids aren't allowed) and Alex did several climbs.  Some of them he attempted but had difficulty.  At times, he wanted to give up quickly and with a little encouragement, he was able to make it farther than his initial attempts. :)  On his last climb, he made it more than half way, but not to the top.  I told him, if he made it to the top, I would get him a cookie.  He tried again, and YES he made it!  It was a fun-filled day with awesome company!

Jacqueline literally "learning the ropes"

Alex and John horsing around

Me making sure that the ropes are safe

New friends :)

Alex at the top

Me climbing

And that's the end of this post. Rock On! :)