As usual, it's been a while since I've written. I often think about writing and even begin composing blog posts in my head. And then my day goes on and it all goes out the window and another day has gone by with no writing. Is that weird that I narrate to myself during the many hours I spend in the car?
Anyways, it's been an up and down time for me lately. This is kind of usual for me and probably for most people. I met someone about a month and a half ago that I started dating and things have been going pretty well until recently. We have lots of fun together and laugh and talk about lots of things. He works a lot and doesn't get a lot of time off so most of our time spent together consisted of me going there after he got out of work and making dinner together or hanging out. We went out a few times and I met one of his friends. The thing that began to bother me was that when he did actually get time off work on the weekends, he always made other plans. I got upset when recently he made plans on Friday evening and then for the entire weekend and then offered me time on Sunday evening at 5PM. I reacted a little emotionally and felt like I acted like a needy girl. I do what I always do and I made snide comments through text and then felt bad and apologized. I felt really horrible on Friday and I cried on and off most of the day. I couldn't get myself out of the funk. I came home Friday night and just vegged out. That's when I sent the apology text. I didn't hear back from him on Friday, which was his "guys night" with the guys from work. I also didn't hear from him all day on Saturday. I think I kind of "prepped" myself on Friday that this was probably done given the signs. I think I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's disappointing but I know I'll be ok.
Saturday was a pretty good day. I spent some time with my friend Kim getting our nails done and then I took her to breakfast for her birthday. Then I came home and took a nap (even though I should have been working). I went to my friend Kristen's for a clothing swap and cookout and had a really great time with my friends and even got to roast marshmallows for the first time this year! I'm really grateful to have such wonderful friends. I talked to my friend Jacqueline and she listened to my tale of woe. It helped me feel better. I'm really just more disappointed. It gets kind of lonely in this big house and it was nice to have someone to share time with who made me feel happy and who made me laugh. I'm disappointed that he did the "ignoring" thing and didn't just tell me that he was upset or "done." I've told him several times how hurtful that is and asked that he just tell me that he was uninterested or upset. I'm sure that he didn't like my emotional response but it was one bad day for me and although the way I reacted wasn't the best, my feelings were valid. I'm tired of the whole dating thing and wonder if there is a guy out there for me.
I know that having a boyfriend or a husband isn't the most important thing in the world but it sure would be nice to have someone to share time and expenses with. I think I just got a taste of what "could" be so it's disappointing to be right back where I started. Granted, I am in a much better place than I was a few years back but it was kind of a tease. I guess I should just learn from my mistakes and move on to my next challenge.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
In a Funk
So lately I've been in kind of a funk. I'm hoping that we'll get some nice weather soon and it will help me to get out of this. Do you ever have those times when you can think about and picture all the things you need to do but you just can't force your body to do it? Well that's been me. I am able to go to work, do my job, and come home. Then throw in getting sick and I'm just a mess!
I had the stomach bug on Friday and I literally couldn't move except to go to the bathroom and puke or poop. Sorry to be graphic but that's pretty much it! I started feeling better on Saturday except for a headache and I was going to bake a cake for my friend and my friend's daughter for a little birthday get-together at my friend's house. I was thankful for the motivation to do something. Through an e-mail discussion of the day, one of my friend's sort of indicated that I should stay home. I'm not sure if it was meant to be a joke or not, but I simply opted out of going. I don't know if I was being overly sensitive or not but I felt pretty bad about missing it and not fulfilling my promise to my little friend. Granted, I will be able to make it up to her but it will have to be after her birthday.
I have little motivation to reach out to others but I am trying. I still have some friends and family members who "check in on me" but I feel extremely lonely these days. I know it's just a phase and I will get over it but it kinda sucks right now. I know this is different from my usual posts and this is just my way of getting it out; my online journal. I was doing pretty good before I got sick and I thought I was getting back on track but I guess getting sick kind of sidelined me a bit. Tomorrow is a new day and I have work and plans to get together with friends soon so hopefully that will put me back on track again.
I'm also looking at a career change and just need to do the steps necessary to get there. I will keep you posted after I have made some of the steps. I don't think many people read this blog, especially since I haven't written in quite a while, but if you are, I'm sorry for being such a downer today.
Tomorrow will be a better day. :)
I had the stomach bug on Friday and I literally couldn't move except to go to the bathroom and puke or poop. Sorry to be graphic but that's pretty much it! I started feeling better on Saturday except for a headache and I was going to bake a cake for my friend and my friend's daughter for a little birthday get-together at my friend's house. I was thankful for the motivation to do something. Through an e-mail discussion of the day, one of my friend's sort of indicated that I should stay home. I'm not sure if it was meant to be a joke or not, but I simply opted out of going. I don't know if I was being overly sensitive or not but I felt pretty bad about missing it and not fulfilling my promise to my little friend. Granted, I will be able to make it up to her but it will have to be after her birthday.
I have little motivation to reach out to others but I am trying. I still have some friends and family members who "check in on me" but I feel extremely lonely these days. I know it's just a phase and I will get over it but it kinda sucks right now. I know this is different from my usual posts and this is just my way of getting it out; my online journal. I was doing pretty good before I got sick and I thought I was getting back on track but I guess getting sick kind of sidelined me a bit. Tomorrow is a new day and I have work and plans to get together with friends soon so hopefully that will put me back on track again.
I'm also looking at a career change and just need to do the steps necessary to get there. I will keep you posted after I have made some of the steps. I don't think many people read this blog, especially since I haven't written in quite a while, but if you are, I'm sorry for being such a downer today.
Tomorrow will be a better day. :)
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Empty Nest
Once again, it's been a while since my last post. The biggest news is that I started doing foster care on October 17th, 2013 and my 10-year old girl went back to her home on February 26th. It happened pretty quickly actually, which is how it often goes in foster care. Her family had court on the 25th and she was back home on the 26th. I do miss her and I miss having someone to take care of (sort of). It's been a really busy and crazy year so far, actually starting from my foster care experience. My mom also went into a nursing home in January, which is another big change. Hence, the name of my blog post today. :)
I thought I would be doing so many things once I had "time to myself." The truth is that I kind of shut down after being so busy and so crazy. I have had a really limited amount of motivation and have been having trouble doing the things I need to do. I "think" about doing a lot and I really want to get "back into the groove" but the truth is that many nights after work I come home, plop on my couch, and watch T.V. Sometimes I will spend a little time in one of the rooms upstairs trying to organize and get rid of things. There are two rooms of my mom's things upstairs that are filled with lots of garage sale items, office supplies, and just "junk." In the midst of all the stuff up there, I have also been coming across memories, which can be fun but often hard. I am reminded of how great things "used to be" with my mom and how I slowly became the evil daughter in her eyes as the dementia progressed. I could say lots about this particular topic, but I will save it for my other blog called "The Chronicles of Helen." brenda-thechroniclesofhelen.blogspot.com. Check it out if you feel like it.
The good news is that I think I am making some progress in getting out of my slump. I am still sitting here alone in this big empty (and messy) house but I didn't come home today and immediately head for the couch. Okay, I am here now but the TV is not on and I am typing in my blog! This is something I often think about and rarely do. I even come up with narratives for my blog while I am driving in the car. I'm sure they have software now that can translate my recordings into typed text. I should really look into that. Anyway, I'll take the small steps. I also bought myself a new pair of sneakers yesterday in hopes that it would motivate me to go running (I have a half-marathon in 2 1/2 weeks and the farthest I've run is 3 miles!) but alas I didn't make it outside. Unfortunately when I had my foster child (Let's call her Sara), I did minimal running. I had Sara run with me one day and we did less than a mile the first day. The second time we went was a few weeks later and she wanted a doughnut at Dunkin Donuts. I told her that if she wanted one, she would have to run with me to Dunkin Donuts and we would have to run at least a mile. LOL. Dunkin Donuts is less than a mile from my house so we had to circle around a little and we actually ended up doing about a mile and a half. Those two runs and a handful of times at the YMCA were my extent of exercise for 4 1/2 months and I'm having a difficult time getting back into the routing and also changing my eating habits. I know this is just an excuse but I really can't wait for the warmer weather. I feel like it makes it so hard to get motivated. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I know I just need to schedule things in order to get myself motivated. So any of my local friends reading this, pin me down for a date to do anything to get me out of the house, especially exercise! I really have no valid excuse for not doing it! (Crap, I hope I didn't just set myself up for trouble there!)
So much to say and I'm sure that this seems very disjointed and unorganized but that IS how I am! Ha ha! I just want to make sure I get it all out. I'm looking at making a major change in regards to "career." Not sure if I should be "putting this in writing" but here goes....
Whenever I think about what I really and truly enjoy doing, it often comes back to event planning. I really enjoy planning various events for not-for-profit organizations. There are jobs as Development Directors for several organizations but most of these jobs require experience. I'm sure I can get some of this experience through volunteering but I need to do this during the day. Therefore, I'm seriously thinking about getting a job as a waitress and using my daytime hours to pursue this goal. It may sound crazy but it's something I have wanted to do for a very long time so I figured I should go for it. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I will keep you posted! So far, I haven't yet applied for any waitressing jobs, but I've "thought" about where I want to apply! Yikes! I just need to do it! Pray for me to get the motivation I need to make the next step. Once I get there I know I can do great things! Are you with me? ;)
I thought I would be doing so many things once I had "time to myself." The truth is that I kind of shut down after being so busy and so crazy. I have had a really limited amount of motivation and have been having trouble doing the things I need to do. I "think" about doing a lot and I really want to get "back into the groove" but the truth is that many nights after work I come home, plop on my couch, and watch T.V. Sometimes I will spend a little time in one of the rooms upstairs trying to organize and get rid of things. There are two rooms of my mom's things upstairs that are filled with lots of garage sale items, office supplies, and just "junk." In the midst of all the stuff up there, I have also been coming across memories, which can be fun but often hard. I am reminded of how great things "used to be" with my mom and how I slowly became the evil daughter in her eyes as the dementia progressed. I could say lots about this particular topic, but I will save it for my other blog called "The Chronicles of Helen." brenda-thechroniclesofhelen.blogspot.com. Check it out if you feel like it.
The good news is that I think I am making some progress in getting out of my slump. I am still sitting here alone in this big empty (and messy) house but I didn't come home today and immediately head for the couch. Okay, I am here now but the TV is not on and I am typing in my blog! This is something I often think about and rarely do. I even come up with narratives for my blog while I am driving in the car. I'm sure they have software now that can translate my recordings into typed text. I should really look into that. Anyway, I'll take the small steps. I also bought myself a new pair of sneakers yesterday in hopes that it would motivate me to go running (I have a half-marathon in 2 1/2 weeks and the farthest I've run is 3 miles!) but alas I didn't make it outside. Unfortunately when I had my foster child (Let's call her Sara), I did minimal running. I had Sara run with me one day and we did less than a mile the first day. The second time we went was a few weeks later and she wanted a doughnut at Dunkin Donuts. I told her that if she wanted one, she would have to run with me to Dunkin Donuts and we would have to run at least a mile. LOL. Dunkin Donuts is less than a mile from my house so we had to circle around a little and we actually ended up doing about a mile and a half. Those two runs and a handful of times at the YMCA were my extent of exercise for 4 1/2 months and I'm having a difficult time getting back into the routing and also changing my eating habits. I know this is just an excuse but I really can't wait for the warmer weather. I feel like it makes it so hard to get motivated. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I know I just need to schedule things in order to get myself motivated. So any of my local friends reading this, pin me down for a date to do anything to get me out of the house, especially exercise! I really have no valid excuse for not doing it! (Crap, I hope I didn't just set myself up for trouble there!)
So much to say and I'm sure that this seems very disjointed and unorganized but that IS how I am! Ha ha! I just want to make sure I get it all out. I'm looking at making a major change in regards to "career." Not sure if I should be "putting this in writing" but here goes....
Whenever I think about what I really and truly enjoy doing, it often comes back to event planning. I really enjoy planning various events for not-for-profit organizations. There are jobs as Development Directors for several organizations but most of these jobs require experience. I'm sure I can get some of this experience through volunteering but I need to do this during the day. Therefore, I'm seriously thinking about getting a job as a waitress and using my daytime hours to pursue this goal. It may sound crazy but it's something I have wanted to do for a very long time so I figured I should go for it. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I will keep you posted! So far, I haven't yet applied for any waitressing jobs, but I've "thought" about where I want to apply! Yikes! I just need to do it! Pray for me to get the motivation I need to make the next step. Once I get there I know I can do great things! Are you with me? ;)
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Here we go again! Happy New Year 2014
As you can see, I've been slacking on my blog posts. Each year I try it again and this year will be no different! :)
One of the reasons I've been slacking is because I started doing foster care in October and I've had a 10-year old girl. I won't blog about her but I'll just say that between having her and taking care of my mom and working, I've been VERY busy!! I am exhausted every night but I'm starting to get into a routine and I actually worked out with a trainer last night and signed up for an exercise class called X-Plode on Thursday evenings. Now to find time to train for my half-marathon in April!
I wont actually blog about my foster child but I will say that I have learned quite a bit about the challenges of being a single parent. I know I'm not her actual parent but my life has changed tremendously over the past few months! I now have to prepare meals every night and I have to be home by a certain time. I can't just leave the house when I feel like it and did I mention that I'm exhausted? Ha ha! I am so grateful to have such wonderful friends who have supported me in so many ways! I promise I will thank you all and call those of you that I've been meaning to call. If you haven't heard from me, please know that it's not because I'm unappreciative; it's just because I'm tired. That's not a complaint or an excuse; it's just me trying to juggle all of my new responsibilities. I'm rambling, I know. Maybe I should just go to bed for now and try again tomorrow.
I'll talk to you all soon! Thanks again to all my friends reading this and know that I appreciate you! :)
One of the reasons I've been slacking is because I started doing foster care in October and I've had a 10-year old girl. I won't blog about her but I'll just say that between having her and taking care of my mom and working, I've been VERY busy!! I am exhausted every night but I'm starting to get into a routine and I actually worked out with a trainer last night and signed up for an exercise class called X-Plode on Thursday evenings. Now to find time to train for my half-marathon in April!
I wont actually blog about my foster child but I will say that I have learned quite a bit about the challenges of being a single parent. I know I'm not her actual parent but my life has changed tremendously over the past few months! I now have to prepare meals every night and I have to be home by a certain time. I can't just leave the house when I feel like it and did I mention that I'm exhausted? Ha ha! I am so grateful to have such wonderful friends who have supported me in so many ways! I promise I will thank you all and call those of you that I've been meaning to call. If you haven't heard from me, please know that it's not because I'm unappreciative; it's just because I'm tired. That's not a complaint or an excuse; it's just me trying to juggle all of my new responsibilities. I'm rambling, I know. Maybe I should just go to bed for now and try again tomorrow.
I'll talk to you all soon! Thanks again to all my friends reading this and know that I appreciate you! :)
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Random Thoughts
As I go through my days, I often think about things that I should write about in my blog. I even create a narrative in my head of what I will write and how I would write it. Then I get busy and of course forget the narrative. The good part of that is the fact that I have lots of things going on in my life so I am busy living and doing fun things. The bad part is that the few of you who read this blog don't get to hear about my awesome life. Ha ha ha!
I don't want to make this blog all about my ex-boyfriend but there are times that I have thoughts and it helps me to get it out. Since he was such an important part of my life for so long, I think it's natural to reflect on things at times. It just sucks that his betrayal shed such a dark shadow on so many of my memories. These memories hit me at different times and tonight it was as simple as a race shirt from a run that we did in Connecticut. It was on July 22, 2012 which was actually after I found out that he had been lying to me and had been dating several other women. I found out all of that on April 28, 2012 the day before Sean's Run in Chatham. Funny how it all revolves around a run. Anyway, he bared his sole and promised to get counseling and we even went to church together. We were spending time together again and I guess we were trying to work things out again. I distinctly remember him going to the car to move it. Now that I think about it there was no real reason for him to move the car. I remember going back to the car after the people in charge of the race had found an additional shirt for me so I went to bring it back to the car. All I can think of now is that he was calling one of his girlfriends to "check in." This is what he did all the time while he was with one of us. He was never really fully with you. There was always someone else. This is what I think about now when I remember our time together. It's sad and disheartening. Even when times were bad between us, I thought that we were going to be together. It isn't as heartbreaking anymore but it's still hurtful to think that someone that you loved with all of your heart could have such total disregard for you.
On the positive side of things (because you know I always am. LOL) I have really moved forward with things in my life. He was not able to break me or to break my spirit. I've been doing volunteer work for an organization called Jazzy Sun Birthdays and Maddie's Mark of course. We'll be planning a fall festival on Sunday, October 27th from 1-4 pm. I'm also working on an event for Huntington's Disease Society and we are going to do a 5K or 10K or a combo next year. Maybe I'll actually direct my first race! I don't know how involved they will want me to be but they seem to think that I know a lot. LOL. I've been volunteering occasionally at race events as well. Most recently I volunteered at Saratoga Palio Half marathon. I volunteer when I don't actually feel like running the race. I have to get myself geared up again for running distance since I have the Hudson Mohawk Half Marathon next month. Yikes! I ran my 18.12 run and then lost my umph! I'm hoping I can get it back soon since I don't have much time left!
OK - That post was pretty disjointed and hurried and I apologize but it's a start! :)
Saturday, August 24, 2013
You need both Sunshine and Rain to make a Rainbow. :)
Written on 6/27/13 (Forgot to Publish)
I'm sitting here reflecting on my life and I have to say that overall I am very happy. :) I feel very fortunate to have so many wonderful friends and family members who are there for me. I have to remember this when I am disappointed by those who I reach out to who do not respond. The positives far outweigh the negatives.
I'm sitting here reflecting on my life and I have to say that overall I am very happy. :) I feel very fortunate to have so many wonderful friends and family members who are there for me. I have to remember this when I am disappointed by those who I reach out to who do not respond. The positives far outweigh the negatives.
I look at my life now and I am happy with so many things despite my living arrangement with my mom and her condition. It makes me sad sometimes to see how she has declined and how she doesn't remember things that used to make us laugh. I remember talking about Alzheimer's when I was younger and discussing how it would be the worst thing to have. I hate the fact that I am constantly annoyed or agitated with her. I think I just miss the relationship we used to have and how independent she always was. I'm sure she misses it too and I should be more understanding. The roles have reversed and I've lost the mom I used to have and haven't completely adapted to this new version of her. I need to create more routines, which is really difficult for me but I really think it would help. I got a little off topic there. Sorry.
I meant to start off with the things I am "happy" about and I started with one of my "difficulties" instead. I will say that my mom is easier to live with now than a year ago so that's good. :) I have been doing lots of house projects including planting flowers and covering the ground with weed block and mulch out front on the hill. I have been wanting to do that for years! Now I won't have to mow the hill. :) I should also mention that my friend Kim helped me immensely with this project. She helped pick out all of the plants and guided me in exactly what I needed to do and was there by my side helping me the entire time. I am truly thankful to have met Kim and her husband John. :) I met Kim when I dated her cousin that was staying with her. He turned out to be not such a great guy but Kim turned out to be a great friend that I feel like I've known for years. :) Everything happens for a reason.
Lessons Learned
Hi There! I know again it's been a while but as the title of my last post states, I've been busy, busy, busy! I've been living my life, having fun and learning a little along the way. I'm honestly not sure what my "Lesson's Learned" list is going to look like but I do know that one thing I've learned is to listen to your gut.
As you know, it's been over a year since John and I broke up. I think the last time we actually spoke was December or January. I have gone through periods of sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment. I have also gotten mad at myself for believing all of his lies along the way. I've also had feelings of betrayal and have been angry with his family for helping him to carry out his lies and for not warning me or other women about what he was and I'm sure is still doing. I have and continue to have a very hard time understanding how a person can live with himself and do the things that he does to others on a daily basis. I think back to situations where he would criticize others for doing these awful things only to find out he did them himself. He was arrogant and manipulative in the way he did things. He was living at my house and would leave when I got home from work to go to stay with another girlfriend. He actually brought me to her house (outside) to drop off her truck (which I rode in) which he borrowed. He re gifted a Christmas gift from her and gave it to me. He took a picture of himself in the bathroom while we were on vacation to send to a girlfriend in NY on Valentine's day so he could show her how he looked in the red shirt she got him before going out on a date with me. While the other girlfriend (In NC) was celebrating her birthday without him. He told all of us that he wanted to start a family and when confronted about "other women" he became angry with the cliche, "I can't believe you would ask me that!" Manipulation at it's finest! I could probably write a book about it all but for now I will say that you don't realize how much energy a negative person takes. I think my lesson here is "Listen to your instincts." I knew that things were not right but I truly loved this person and was willing to accept him regardless of our arguments and his short temper at times. I accepted his lies and tried to justify his intense need for "privacy" when he carried his phone with him everywhere. He knew it bothered me but just brushed me off. I guess another lesson from this is "Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are." This brings me to another incident in my life that happened recently and that I'm still dealing with.
I recently went over to my brother and sister-in-laws house to discuss some things about my mother. I was excited to be able to see my family despite the circumstances of our meeting. See, my niece, her husband, and her son (my great nephew) are now staying there and I have only seen my great-nephew one time even though he is now 6-months old. I have tried to call, text, and even facebook message my niece to set up a "play date" but have received no response. When I arrived they were not there but showed up slightly before 8pm. They kind of said hello as they raced past me. Jackson (my great-nephew) had gotten wet in the rain. I figured that they would go change him and then bring him down so I could say hello and "meet" him but apparently that was not meant to happen. According to my sister-in-law and brother, they have him on a "tight schedule" and put him right to bed. Basically, I am not an important enough reason to adjust his schedule by even 5-minutes. I decided to finally have a conversation with my sister-in-law about how this hurt my feelings. I would have liked to have this conversation with Erin as well but since she continues to ignore me and run past me, this was not a possibility. Anyway, I also addressed the fact that my sister-in-law never accepts invitations from me to get-together and that she does not invite me anywhere either. Her basic response to this was "Oh well." She didn't use those exact words but that is what she was basically saying by her demeanor and her "I don't do anything" and "That's just how I am" phrases. She basically didn't care that my feelings were hurt and brushed me off. Yes, this bothers me especially since it's my family and I would love nothing more than to have a relationship with them but I just need to let go since it's totally one-sided. I do need to communicate with my brother for the sake of my mom but outside of that, I have already but forth so much effort over the years and need to focus my effort on more productive things. I'm sure I will have my moments because I know myself! LOL! But I will try not to let it bother me!
I have many more lessons but I will stop at that for today. I will also say that I don't mean this post to be a downer just a reflection. I am actually very happy and feel like I have been more like myself this past year than I have been in quite a while. After losing my sister and dealing with my mom's dementia, I guess I was somewhat vulnerable and allowed myself to be treated in a way that was unkind and made me feel like less than I was. I was still here and still had some great times but I am overall much happier and don't have to deal with being questioned or put down as often as I did while I was with John. He would build me up and bring me down on a regular basis just to make himself feel better. Now that I'm by myself I may be sad sometimes but I don't cry nearly as much as I used to. I used to feel so hurt by the things he said and did. Again, I'm not trying to be a downer. This is just kind of my journal of sorts and just me getting it all out. I'll try to post my funny story tomorrow along with my lesson to "Not take life too seriously."
Lessons from Today's Blog Post:
Listen to your instincts.
Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are.
As you know, it's been over a year since John and I broke up. I think the last time we actually spoke was December or January. I have gone through periods of sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment. I have also gotten mad at myself for believing all of his lies along the way. I've also had feelings of betrayal and have been angry with his family for helping him to carry out his lies and for not warning me or other women about what he was and I'm sure is still doing. I have and continue to have a very hard time understanding how a person can live with himself and do the things that he does to others on a daily basis. I think back to situations where he would criticize others for doing these awful things only to find out he did them himself. He was arrogant and manipulative in the way he did things. He was living at my house and would leave when I got home from work to go to stay with another girlfriend. He actually brought me to her house (outside) to drop off her truck (which I rode in) which he borrowed. He re gifted a Christmas gift from her and gave it to me. He took a picture of himself in the bathroom while we were on vacation to send to a girlfriend in NY on Valentine's day so he could show her how he looked in the red shirt she got him before going out on a date with me. While the other girlfriend (In NC) was celebrating her birthday without him. He told all of us that he wanted to start a family and when confronted about "other women" he became angry with the cliche, "I can't believe you would ask me that!" Manipulation at it's finest! I could probably write a book about it all but for now I will say that you don't realize how much energy a negative person takes. I think my lesson here is "Listen to your instincts." I knew that things were not right but I truly loved this person and was willing to accept him regardless of our arguments and his short temper at times. I accepted his lies and tried to justify his intense need for "privacy" when he carried his phone with him everywhere. He knew it bothered me but just brushed me off. I guess another lesson from this is "Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are." This brings me to another incident in my life that happened recently and that I'm still dealing with.
I recently went over to my brother and sister-in-laws house to discuss some things about my mother. I was excited to be able to see my family despite the circumstances of our meeting. See, my niece, her husband, and her son (my great nephew) are now staying there and I have only seen my great-nephew one time even though he is now 6-months old. I have tried to call, text, and even facebook message my niece to set up a "play date" but have received no response. When I arrived they were not there but showed up slightly before 8pm. They kind of said hello as they raced past me. Jackson (my great-nephew) had gotten wet in the rain. I figured that they would go change him and then bring him down so I could say hello and "meet" him but apparently that was not meant to happen. According to my sister-in-law and brother, they have him on a "tight schedule" and put him right to bed. Basically, I am not an important enough reason to adjust his schedule by even 5-minutes. I decided to finally have a conversation with my sister-in-law about how this hurt my feelings. I would have liked to have this conversation with Erin as well but since she continues to ignore me and run past me, this was not a possibility. Anyway, I also addressed the fact that my sister-in-law never accepts invitations from me to get-together and that she does not invite me anywhere either. Her basic response to this was "Oh well." She didn't use those exact words but that is what she was basically saying by her demeanor and her "I don't do anything" and "That's just how I am" phrases. She basically didn't care that my feelings were hurt and brushed me off. Yes, this bothers me especially since it's my family and I would love nothing more than to have a relationship with them but I just need to let go since it's totally one-sided. I do need to communicate with my brother for the sake of my mom but outside of that, I have already but forth so much effort over the years and need to focus my effort on more productive things. I'm sure I will have my moments because I know myself! LOL! But I will try not to let it bother me!
I have many more lessons but I will stop at that for today. I will also say that I don't mean this post to be a downer just a reflection. I am actually very happy and feel like I have been more like myself this past year than I have been in quite a while. After losing my sister and dealing with my mom's dementia, I guess I was somewhat vulnerable and allowed myself to be treated in a way that was unkind and made me feel like less than I was. I was still here and still had some great times but I am overall much happier and don't have to deal with being questioned or put down as often as I did while I was with John. He would build me up and bring me down on a regular basis just to make himself feel better. Now that I'm by myself I may be sad sometimes but I don't cry nearly as much as I used to. I used to feel so hurt by the things he said and did. Again, I'm not trying to be a downer. This is just kind of my journal of sorts and just me getting it all out. I'll try to post my funny story tomorrow along with my lesson to "Not take life too seriously."
Lessons from Today's Blog Post:
Listen to your instincts.
Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are.
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