Last night when I was writing my post, it was kind of late and I'm not sure how well my thoughts came out. I'm not even sure how they will come out today but at least I won't be falling asleep. I know there aren't many of you who read this and I do this more as therapy. It's kind of my online journal and my way to process my thoughts. Like I said, sometimes I do this in my head but doing it here helps sometimes too.
My biggest issue lately is motivation. Sometimes I wish I had someone here with me to help me through these issues. Sometimes I think I should rent a room just to have someone here but then I worry that it may cause complications if I want to do foster care again. I do want to do foster care again but I really need to get my house in order. How is it that it's so easy for me to make a mess but so difficult to clean it? It's very frustrating. Then I have laundry and my lawn. I have to clean out my mom's room and my room. I have clothes everywhere and work toys. I don't even have children and it's all so overwhelming. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have two incomes and two people to share responsibility. I often envy others for that. I know that married people have their own difficulties too and sometimes I'm thankful that I'm not married but lately I've been more envious. I know that I need to get past that and work on the things that I need to do for myself so that I can continue to help others. I guess I just need to help myself first. I think that I really like to be needed. Actually I know that I like to be needed. I definitely like to be around other people and it's not that I can't be alone. I just like being around people and it's uplifting to be able to help someone with a problem or just listen. It also helps to be listened to and I am appreciative of the friends that I have that listen to me.
Jay hasn't called me again today and I won't call him either. I know myself and I will probably send him a text message in the next few days to communicate my disappointment with his behavior and lack of balls. I told him from the very beginning to just let me know if something was bothering him or if he was no longer interested but he chose the cowards way out. That is a huge disappointment. I just wish that people could be decent and I thought he was. I am still an eternal optimist and I still hope for the best in others. Maybe that's why its so disappointing when they turn out to be total jerks! How do women find decent men. I find it so discouraging that there are so many cowardly or dishonest men out there. I know that I can be on my own and do my own thing but I don't know that I want to anymore. I also don't want to get caught up in another dating situation where I am always giving of myself and the other person is just taking. The thing is that I don't think I ask for a lot. I just want someone who wants to spend time with me and is honest and fun of course! Fun is important!
Now that I've vented all of that crap, I'm going to talk about some of the things I want to work on starting today:
1. Healthy eating - I'm going to check out the Paleo diet again but that my be a little difficult so I'll also research other healthy eating strategies. Maybe I will even try to see if I can visit a dietician.
2. Exercise - I have some upcoming races and would like to start training for them. I am going to run with my friends children once in a while because they want to run. I'm also going to do Wednesday and Friday mornings with my running girls and I want to start doing the ARE trail running series. I really like checking out the local parks. I would like to try to go hiking again. That's one thing I actually had fun doing with John in the past and I'd like to start doing it again.
3. Cleaning and Organizing - This here is the more difficult one for me. I look at all my "stuff" and get really overwhelmed. This is where having someone around would really be helpful! I guess I just need to make a plan and follow it! Maybe I will make a visual schedule and really try to follow it. Maybe just an hour or half-hour a day and I'll work on one room per week. Then I just have to "keep" each previous room clean.
4. Finances - This is another really difficult area for me. I am really bad with budgeting. It's not that I spend a lot of money on myself but if I have a birthday or need to get a gift for someone, I don't always worry about the cost. I also spend money on "eating on the run" during the work week and sometimes eat out with friends at other times. I don't always plan ahead and sometimes spend money at Gabriel's, which is more expensive. Even when I go to the less expensive places, I buy too much. I would go out to Jay's house and bring all sorts of things and then leave it there. Last weekend I went to the farmer's market and got vegetable plants for him and for my niece and then a few other things that I left there. So the key here is that I need to start to budget and be more disciplined about it.
Those are the main things so let's hope that I can do it!! Wish me luck! :)
