Making a Plan! (Sort of)

Last night when I was writing my post, it was kind of late and I'm not sure how well my thoughts came out.  I'm not even sure how they will come out today but at least I won't be falling asleep.  I know there aren't many of you who read this and I do this more as therapy.  It's kind of my online journal and my way to process my thoughts.  Like I said, sometimes I do this in my head but doing it here helps sometimes too.

My biggest issue lately is motivation.  Sometimes I wish I had someone here with me to help me through these issues.  Sometimes I think I should rent a room just to have someone here but then I worry that it may cause complications if I want to do foster care again.  I do want to do foster care again but I really need to get my house in order.  How is it that it's so easy for me to make a mess but so difficult to clean it?  It's very frustrating.  Then I have laundry and my lawn.  I have to clean out my mom's room and my room.  I have clothes everywhere and work toys.  I don't even have children and it's all so overwhelming.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have two incomes and two people to share responsibility.  I often envy others for that.  I know that married people have their own difficulties too and sometimes I'm thankful that I'm not married but lately I've been more envious.  I know that I need to get past that and work on the things that I need to do for myself so that I can continue to help others.  I guess I just need to help myself first.  I think that I really like to be needed.  Actually I know that I like to be needed.  I definitely like to be around other people and it's not that I can't be alone.  I just like being around people and it's uplifting to be able to help someone with a problem or just listen.  It also helps to be listened to and I am appreciative of the friends that I have that listen to me.

Jay hasn't called me again today and I won't call him either.  I know myself and I will probably send him a text message in the next few days to communicate my disappointment with his behavior and lack of balls.  I told him from the very beginning to just let me know if something was bothering him or if he was no longer interested but he chose the cowards way out.  That is a huge disappointment.  I just wish that people could be decent and I thought he was.  I am still an eternal optimist and I still hope for the best in others.  Maybe that's why its so disappointing when they turn out to be total jerks!  How do women find decent men.  I find it so discouraging that there are so many cowardly or dishonest men out there.  I know that I can be on my own and do my own thing but I don't know that I want to anymore.  I also don't want to get caught up in another dating situation where I am always giving of myself and the other person is just taking.  The thing is that I don't think I ask for a lot.  I just want someone who wants to spend time with me and is honest and fun of course! Fun is important!

Now that I've vented all of that crap, I'm going to talk about some of the things I want to work on starting today:

1. Healthy eating - I'm going to check out the Paleo diet again but that my be a little difficult so I'll also research other healthy eating strategies.  Maybe I will even try to see if I can visit a dietician.
2. Exercise - I have some upcoming races and would like to start training for them.  I am going to run with my friends children once in a while because they want to run.  I'm also going to do Wednesday and Friday mornings with my running girls and I want to start doing the ARE trail running series.  I really like checking out the local parks.  I would like to try to go hiking again.  That's one thing I actually had fun doing with John in the past and I'd like to start doing it again.
3. Cleaning and Organizing - This here is the more difficult one for me.  I look at all my "stuff" and get really overwhelmed.  This is where having someone around would really be helpful!  I guess I just need to make a plan and follow it!  Maybe I will make a visual schedule and really try to follow it.  Maybe just an hour or half-hour a day and I'll work on one room per week.  Then I just have to "keep" each previous room clean.
4. Finances - This is another really difficult area for me.  I am really bad with budgeting.  It's not that I spend a lot of money on myself but if I have a birthday or need to get a gift for someone, I don't always worry about the cost.  I also spend money on "eating on the run" during the work week and sometimes eat out with friends at other times.  I don't always plan ahead and sometimes spend money at Gabriel's, which is more expensive.  Even when I go to the less expensive places, I buy too much.  I would go out to Jay's house and bring all sorts of things and then leave it there.  Last weekend I went to the farmer's market and got vegetable plants for him and for my niece and then a few other things that I left there.  So the key here is that I need to start to budget and be more disciplined about it.

Those are the main things so let's hope that I can do it!!  Wish me luck! :)

Moving On

As usual, it's been a while since I've written.  I often think about writing and even begin composing blog posts in my head.  And then my day goes on and it all goes out the window and another day has gone by with no writing.  Is that weird that I narrate to myself during the many hours I spend in the car?

Anyways, it's been an up and down time for me lately.  This is kind of usual for me and probably for most people. I met someone about a month and a half ago that I started dating and things have been going pretty well until recently.  We have lots of fun together and laugh and talk about lots of things.  He works a lot and doesn't get a lot of time off so most of our time spent together consisted of me going there after he got out of work and making dinner together or hanging out.  We went out a few times and I met one of his friends.  The thing that began to bother me was that when he did actually get time off work on the weekends, he always made other plans.  I got upset when recently he made plans on Friday evening and then for the entire weekend and then offered me time on Sunday evening at 5PM. I reacted a little emotionally and felt like I acted like a needy girl.  I do what I always do and I made snide comments through text and then felt bad and apologized.  I felt really horrible on Friday and I cried on and off most of the day.  I couldn't get myself out of the funk.  I came home Friday night and just vegged out.  That's when I sent the apology text.  I didn't hear back from him on Friday, which was his "guys night" with the guys from work.  I also didn't hear from him all day on Saturday.  I think I kind of "prepped" myself on Friday that this was probably done given the signs.  I think I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's disappointing but I know I'll be ok.

Saturday was a pretty good day.  I spent some time with my friend Kim getting our nails done and then I took her to breakfast for her birthday.  Then I came home and took a nap (even though I should have been working).  I went to my friend Kristen's for a clothing swap and cookout and had a really great time with my friends and even got to roast marshmallows for the first time this year!  I'm really grateful to have such wonderful friends.  I talked to my friend Jacqueline and she listened to my tale of woe.  It helped me feel better.  I'm really just more disappointed.  It gets kind of lonely in this big house and it was nice to have someone to share time with who made me feel happy and who made me laugh.  I'm disappointed that he did the "ignoring" thing and didn't just tell me that he was upset or "done."  I've told him several times how hurtful that is and asked that he just tell me that he was uninterested or upset.  I'm sure that he didn't like my emotional response but it was one bad day for me and although the way I reacted wasn't the best, my feelings were valid.  I'm tired of the whole dating thing and wonder if there is a guy out there for me.

I know that having a boyfriend or a husband isn't the most important thing in the world but it sure would be nice to have someone to share time and expenses with.  I think I just got a taste of what "could" be so it's disappointing to be right back where I started.  Granted, I am in a much better place than I was a few years back but it was kind of a tease.  I guess I should just learn from my mistakes and move on to my next challenge.

In a Funk

So lately I've been in kind of a funk.  I'm hoping that we'll get some nice weather soon and it will help me to get out of this.  Do you ever have those times when you can think about and picture all the things you need to do but you just can't force your body to do it?  Well that's been me.  I am able to go to work, do my job, and come home.  Then throw in getting sick and I'm just a mess!

I had the stomach bug on Friday and I literally couldn't move except to go to the bathroom and puke or poop.  Sorry to be graphic but that's pretty much it!  I started feeling better on Saturday except for a headache and I was going to bake a cake for my friend and my friend's daughter for a little birthday get-together at my friend's house.  I was thankful for the motivation to do something.  Through an e-mail discussion of the day, one of my friend's sort of indicated that I should stay home.  I'm not sure if it was meant to be a joke or not, but I simply opted out of going.  I don't know if I was being overly sensitive or not but I felt pretty bad about missing it and not fulfilling my promise to my little friend.  Granted, I will be able to make it up to her but it will have to be after her birthday.

I have little motivation to reach out to others but I am trying.  I still have some friends and family members who "check in on me" but I feel extremely lonely these days.  I know it's just a phase and I will get over it but it kinda sucks right now.  I know this is different from my usual posts and this is just my way of getting it out; my online journal.  I was doing pretty good before I got sick and I thought I was getting back on track but I guess getting sick kind of sidelined me a bit.  Tomorrow is a new day and I have work and plans to get together with friends soon so hopefully that will put me back on track again.

I'm also looking at a career change and just need to do the steps necessary to get there.  I will keep you posted after I have made some of the steps.  I don't think many people read this blog, especially since I haven't written in quite a while, but if you are, I'm sorry for being such a downer today.

Tomorrow will be a better day. :)

 

Empty Nest

Once again, it's been a while since my last post.  The biggest news is that I started doing foster care on October 17th, 2013 and my 10-year old girl went back to her home on February 26th.  It happened pretty quickly actually, which is how it often goes in foster care.  Her family had court on the 25th and she was back home on the 26th.  I do miss her and I miss having someone to take care of (sort of).  It's been a really busy and crazy year so far, actually starting from my foster care experience.  My mom also went into a nursing home in January, which is another big change.  Hence, the name of my blog post today. :)

I thought I would be doing so many things once I had "time to myself."  The truth is that I kind of shut down after being so busy and so crazy.  I have had a really limited amount of motivation and have been having trouble doing the things I need to do.  I "think" about doing a lot and I really want to get "back into the groove" but the truth is that many nights after work I come home, plop on my couch, and watch T.V.  Sometimes I will spend a little time in one of the rooms upstairs trying to organize and get rid of things.  There are two rooms of my mom's things upstairs that are filled with lots of garage sale items, office supplies, and just "junk."  In the midst of all the stuff up there, I have also been coming across memories, which can be fun but often hard.  I am reminded of how great things "used to be" with my mom and how I slowly became the evil daughter in her eyes as the dementia progressed.   I could say lots about this particular topic, but I will save it for my other blog called "The Chronicles of Helen." brenda-thechroniclesofhelen.blogspot.com. Check it out if you feel like it.

The good news is that I think I am making some progress in getting out of my slump.  I am still sitting here alone in this big empty (and messy) house but I didn't come home today and immediately head for the couch.  Okay, I am here now but the TV is not on and I am typing in my blog! This is something I often think about and rarely do.  I even come up with narratives for my blog while I am driving in the car.  I'm sure they have software now that can translate my recordings into typed text.  I should really look into that.  Anyway, I'll take the small steps.  I also bought myself a new pair of sneakers yesterday in hopes that it would motivate me to go running (I have a half-marathon in 2 1/2 weeks and the farthest I've run is 3 miles!)  but alas I didn't make it outside.  Unfortunately when I had my foster child (Let's call her Sara), I did minimal running.  I had Sara run with me one day and we did less than a mile the first day.  The second time we went was a few weeks later and she wanted a doughnut at Dunkin Donuts.  I told her that if she wanted one, she would have to run with me to Dunkin Donuts and we would have to run at least a mile. LOL.  Dunkin Donuts is less than a mile from my house so we had to circle around a little and we actually ended up doing about a mile and a half.  Those two runs and a handful of times at the YMCA were my extent of exercise for 4 1/2 months and I'm having a difficult time getting back into the routing and also changing my eating habits.  I know this is just an excuse but I really can't wait for the warmer weather.  I feel like it makes it so hard to get motivated.  I'm just trying to make sense of it all.  I know I just need to schedule things in order to get myself motivated.  So any of my local friends reading this, pin me down for a date to do anything to get me out of the house, especially exercise! I really have no valid excuse for not doing it! (Crap, I hope I didn't just set myself up for trouble there!)

So much to say and I'm sure that this seems very disjointed and unorganized but that IS how I am! Ha ha!  I just want to make sure I get it all out.  I'm looking at making a major change in regards to "career."  Not sure if I should be "putting this in writing" but here goes....

Whenever I think about what I really and truly enjoy doing, it often comes back to event planning.  I really enjoy planning various events for not-for-profit organizations.  There are jobs as Development Directors for several organizations but most of these jobs require experience.  I'm sure I can get some of this experience through volunteering but I need to do this during the day.  Therefore, I'm seriously thinking about getting a job as a waitress and using my daytime hours to pursue this goal.  It may sound crazy but it's something I have wanted to do for a very long time so I figured I should go for it.  It's scary and exciting all at the same time.  I will keep you posted!  So far, I haven't yet applied for any waitressing jobs, but I've "thought" about where I want to apply! Yikes! I just need to do it!  Pray for me to get the motivation I need to make the next step.  Once I get there I know I can do great things! Are you with me? ;)

Here we go again! Happy New Year 2014

As you can see, I've been slacking on my blog posts.  Each year I try it again and this year will be no different! :)

One of the reasons I've been slacking is because I started doing foster care in October and I've had a 10-year old girl.  I won't blog about her but I'll just say that between having her and taking care of my mom and working, I've been VERY busy!!  I am exhausted every night but I'm starting to get into a routine and I actually worked out with a trainer last night and signed up for an exercise class called X-Plode on Thursday evenings.  Now to find time to train for my half-marathon in April!

I wont actually blog about my foster child but I will say that I have learned quite a bit about the challenges of being a single parent. I know I'm not her actual parent but my life has changed tremendously over the past few months!  I now have to prepare meals every night and I have to be home by a certain time.  I can't just leave the house when I feel like it and did I mention that I'm exhausted?  Ha ha!  I am so grateful to have such wonderful friends who have supported me in so many ways!  I promise I will thank you all and call those of you that I've been meaning to call.  If you haven't heard from me, please know that it's not because I'm unappreciative; it's just because I'm tired.  That's not a complaint or an excuse; it's just me trying to juggle all of my new responsibilities.  I'm rambling, I know.  Maybe I should just go to bed for now and try again tomorrow.

I'll talk to you all soon! Thanks again to all my friends reading this and know that I appreciate you! :)

Random Thoughts

As I go through my days, I often think about things that I should write about in my blog.  I even create a narrative in my head of what I will write and how I would write it.  Then I get busy and of course forget the narrative.  The good part of that is the fact that I have lots of things going on in my life so I am busy living and doing fun things.  The bad part is that the few of you who read this blog don't get to hear about my awesome life. Ha ha ha! 

I don't want to make this blog all about my ex-boyfriend but there are times that I have thoughts and it helps me to get it out.  Since he was such an important part of my life for so long, I think it's natural to reflect on things at times.  It just sucks that his betrayal shed such a dark shadow on so many of my memories.  These memories hit me at different times and tonight it was as simple as a race shirt from a run that we did in Connecticut.  It was on July 22, 2012 which was actually after I found out that he had been lying to me and had been dating several other women.  I found out all of that on April 28, 2012 the day before Sean's Run in Chatham. Funny how it all revolves around a run. Anyway, he bared his sole and promised to get counseling and we even went to church together.  We were spending time together again and I guess we were trying to work things out again.  I distinctly remember him going to the car to move it.  Now that I think about it there was no real reason for him to move the car.  I remember going back to the car after the people in charge of the race had found an additional shirt for me so I went to bring it back to the car.  All I can think of now is that he was calling one of his girlfriends to "check in." This is what he did all the time while he was with one of us.  He was never really fully with you.  There was always someone else.  This is what I think about now when I remember our time together.  It's sad and disheartening.  Even when times were bad between us, I thought that we were going to be together.  It isn't as heartbreaking anymore but it's still hurtful to think that someone that you loved with all of your heart could have such total disregard for you.

On the positive side of things (because you know I always am. LOL) I have really moved forward with things in my life.  He was not able to break me or to break my spirit.  I've been doing volunteer work for an organization called Jazzy Sun Birthdays and Maddie's Mark of course.  We'll be planning a fall festival on Sunday, October 27th from 1-4 pm.  I'm also working on an event for Huntington's Disease Society and we are going to do a 5K or 10K or a combo next year.  Maybe I'll actually direct my first race!  I don't know how involved they will want me to be but they seem to think that I know a lot. LOL.  I've been volunteering occasionally at race events as well.  Most recently I volunteered at Saratoga Palio Half marathon.  I volunteer when I don't actually feel like running the race.  I have to get myself geared up again for running distance since I have the Hudson Mohawk Half Marathon next month. Yikes!  I ran my 18.12 run and then lost my umph! I'm hoping I can get it back soon since I don't have much time left! 

OK - That post was pretty disjointed and hurried and I apologize but it's a start! :)

You need both Sunshine and Rain to make a Rainbow. :)

Written on 6/27/13 (Forgot to Publish)

I'm sitting here reflecting on my life and I have to say that overall I am very happy. :) I feel very fortunate to have so many wonderful friends and family members who are there for me.  I have to remember this when I am disappointed by those who I reach out to who do not respond.  The positives far outweigh the negatives.

I look at my life now and I am happy with so many things despite my living arrangement with my mom and her condition.  It makes me sad sometimes to see how she has declined and how she doesn't remember things that used to make us laugh.  I remember talking about Alzheimer's when I was younger and discussing how it would be the worst thing to have.  I hate the fact that I am constantly annoyed or agitated with her.  I think I just miss the relationship we used to have and how independent she always was.  I'm sure she misses it too and I should be more understanding.  The roles have reversed and I've lost the mom I used to have and haven't completely adapted to this new version of her. I need to create more routines, which is really difficult for me but I really think it would help.  I got a little off topic there. Sorry. 

I meant to start off with the things I am "happy" about and I started with one of my "difficulties" instead.  I will say that my mom is easier to live with now than a year ago so that's good. :)  I have been doing lots of house projects including planting flowers and covering the ground with weed block and mulch out front on the hill.  I have been wanting to do that for years! Now I won't have to mow the hill. :)  I should also mention that my friend Kim helped me immensely with this project.  She helped pick out all of the plants and guided me in exactly what I needed to do and was there by my side helping me the entire time.  I am truly thankful to have met Kim and her husband John. :)  I met Kim when I dated her cousin that was staying with her.  He turned out to be not such a great guy but Kim turned out to be a great friend that I feel like I've known for years. :)  Everything happens for a reason.