Hi There! I know again it's been a while but as the title of my last post states, I've been busy, busy, busy! I've been living my life, having fun and learning a little along the way. I'm honestly not sure what my "Lesson's Learned" list is going to look like but I do know that one thing I've learned is to listen to your gut.
As you know, it's been over a year since John and I broke up. I think the last time we actually spoke was December or January. I have gone through periods of sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment. I have also gotten mad at myself for believing all of his lies along the way. I've also had feelings of betrayal and have been angry with his family for helping him to carry out his lies and for not warning me or other women about what he was and I'm sure is still doing. I have and continue to have a very hard time understanding how a person can live with himself and do the things that he does to others on a daily basis. I think back to situations where he would criticize others for doing these awful things only to find out he did them himself. He was arrogant and manipulative in the way he did things. He was living at my house and would leave when I got home from work to go to stay with another girlfriend. He actually brought me to her house (outside) to drop off her truck (which I rode in) which he borrowed. He re gifted a Christmas gift from her and gave it to me. He took a picture of himself in the bathroom while we were on vacation to send to a girlfriend in NY on Valentine's day so he could show her how he looked in the red shirt she got him before going out on a date with me. While the other girlfriend (In NC) was celebrating her birthday without him. He told all of us that he wanted to start a family and when confronted about "other women" he became angry with the cliche, "I can't believe you would ask me that!" Manipulation at it's finest! I could probably write a book about it all but for now I will say that you don't realize how much energy a negative person takes. I think my lesson here is "
Listen to your instincts." I knew that things were not right but I truly loved this person and was willing to accept him regardless of our arguments and his short temper at times. I accepted his lies and tried to justify his intense need for "privacy" when he carried his phone with him everywhere. He knew it bothered me but just brushed me off. I guess another lesson from this is "
Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are." This brings me to another incident in my life that happened recently and that I'm still dealing with.
I recently went over to my brother and sister-in-laws house to discuss some things about my mother. I was excited to be able to see my family despite the circumstances of our meeting. See, my niece, her husband, and her son (my great nephew) are now staying there and I have only seen my great-nephew one time even though he is now 6-months old. I have tried to call, text, and even facebook message my niece to set up a "play date" but have received no response. When I arrived they were not there but showed up slightly before 8pm. They kind of said hello as they raced past me. Jackson (my great-nephew) had gotten wet in the rain. I figured that they would go change him and then bring him down so I could say hello and "meet" him but apparently that was not meant to happen. According to my sister-in-law and brother, they have him on a "tight schedule" and put him right to bed. Basically, I am not an important enough reason to adjust his schedule by even 5-minutes. I decided to finally have a conversation with my sister-in-law about how this hurt my feelings. I would have liked to have this conversation with Erin as well but since she continues to ignore me and run past me, this was not a possibility. Anyway, I also addressed the fact that my sister-in-law never accepts invitations from me to get-together and that she does not invite me anywhere either. Her basic response to this was "Oh well." She didn't use those exact words but that is what she was basically saying by her demeanor and her "I don't do anything" and "That's just how I am" phrases. She basically didn't care that my feelings were hurt and brushed me off. Yes, this bothers me especially since it's my family and I would love nothing more than to have a relationship with them but I just need to let go since it's totally one-sided. I do need to communicate with my brother for the sake of my mom but outside of that, I have already but forth so much effort over the years and need to focus my effort on more productive things. I'm sure I will have my moments because I know myself! LOL! But I will try not to let it bother me!
I have many more lessons but I will stop at that for today. I will also say that I don't mean this post to be a downer just a reflection. I am actually very happy and feel like I have been more like myself this past year than I have been in quite a while. After losing my sister and dealing with my mom's dementia, I guess I was somewhat vulnerable and allowed myself to be treated in a way that was unkind and made me feel like less than I was. I was still here and still had some great times but I am overall much happier and don't have to deal with being questioned or put down as often as I did while I was with John. He would build me up and bring me down on a regular basis just to make himself feel better. Now that I'm by myself I may be sad sometimes but I don't cry nearly as much as I used to. I used to feel so hurt by the things he said and did. Again, I'm not trying to be a downer. This is just kind of my journal of sorts and just me getting it all out. I'll try to post my funny story tomorrow along with my lesson to "Not take life too seriously."
Lessons from Today's Blog Post:
Listen to your instincts.
Don't let anyone treat you as less of a person that you are.
