My "vacation" week is coming to a close and I can definitely say that I have accomplished some things but I also feel like I have a long way to go. I have had a mixture of feelings about many different things. I feel hopeful because I am making some progress toward my goals of foster care, getting my finances in order, and getting my house together. I feel frustrated because all of these things take time and energy. To be honest, I often have a difficult time getting myself motivated to do the things I need to do and that is frustrating to me at times. Sometimes I have so many things on my plate that I become overwhelmed but it's weird because I can have that overwhelmed feeling whether its one thing or 20 things. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I sometimes get very frustrated with myself. It helps me to plan things with other people because then I "have" to move! LOL! I feel happy because I have lots of friends and family who support me in my various endeavors, which definitely keeps me going! So thank you to all of you for all you do. Sometimes I feel disenchanted because there are people that have been in my life that didn't turn out to be who I thought they were. It also makes me feel sad but I know that I am strong and can move past this eventually. It's just something that is hard for me to digest at times. I do, however continue to pray for these type of people.
Okay, so lets talk about my hopefulness! I finally filed my taxes for the past 4 years. I think I may have posted that in one of my previous entries but it's pretty big news so it's worth posting again. I like having this blog because even though everyone who reads it knows all of my business, it's not like posting 5 million posts on facebook where people who don't necessarily care read it. It's something you can click on if you want to. You may not always want to read about ALL of my rantings but you can just glaze over those parts if you want (I don't mind. LOL). I mostly just do this for myself and anyone who wants to know. I don't really tell everyone about this blog. I may invite a few people here and there to read it, but really not many. Ok... I got a little sidetracked there. So, I completed my taxes and I was so nervous that I was gonna owe tons of money and it turns out I'm getting a refund even after all the fees from H&R Block and after having to pay taxes for 2010. Yippee! And I was so scared! Next step is working on getting a loan for my back taxes on my house. One step at a time. I'm also hopeful because I am making steps toward getting my house in order, although at the moment it looks like a tornado came through here! But, I have my washer and dryer hooked up and the painting is really coming along. I have to pick up the bed from my friend Jess and the crib from my friend Tiana. Just have to check with my brother if I can borrow his truck.
Frustration.... This feeling comes and goes quite a bit. I get frustrated by the organization (or lack of) in my house. I know I need to get used to dealing with a child in the house and organization will be out the window, but at least I can establish rules for the child. The same is not always true with my mother and she really does try to help. It's just that her "help" often causes me more work, which can be frustrating. I get frustrated with myself because I am not more patient with her and I don't spend much quality time with her. Yes, I make sure she has meals such as setting out her breakfast in the morning and heating up a microwave meal at dinner time but I know that's lame. I think I need to get everything else in order before I can focus on actually cooking dinners. It may just be an excuse but it sometimes comes down to lack of motivation. I know I am going in circles here but that's what frustration can do! Ugh!
I'm going to skip to disenchanted and sad so I can end on happy! :) I think that disenchanted and sad go together. I don't want to talk too much about my relationship with John because I really want to move on and close that chapter in my life, but it seems to pop up time and again. I really wish that I could take away the happy memories from the relationship and cherish them, but because of all that I now know, all of my memories are tarnished. Each time I think about a point in our relationship that I felt really and truly happy, I wonder who else he was texting or if he was sending pictures to another woman. I think about all of the times that he couldn't go away with me for a weekend because he "couldn't afford it" but then he took a trip to North Carolina to see an ex-girlfriend and then lied about why he went there. I think about the times he was staying at my house and when I would get home from work he would get dressed up and leave to go do work "at the cabin owners place" which turned out to be a girlfriend. I think about the times he had to "work" in Catskill, and how his phone never had reception and then to later find out that this was another girlfriend. There are countless examples of deception and lies and although I questioned them, I accepted the lame excuses that were given to me and I continuously went back and gave him more chances. I think about how stupid I was and how gullible. It makes me sad because I truly was invested in the relationship and it was all one big lie. It will definitely change what I will accept from others in the future but it makes me sad to think that someone feels the need to be so deceptive and manipulative towards those who are vulnerable and kind. Luckily, I am also a strong person and I will get past this and have for the most part. It just hits me at times more than at others. When you have spent 4 1/2 years of your life with a person and you are deceived the way that I was, it doesn't just go away overnight. It comes and goes in waves. It doesn't mean that I am sitting here pining away. It just means that I feel truly sad that a person feels they need to do those things to get ahead in life. I will never resort to that kind of behavior for many reasons. First of all, I think that lying takes a lot of energy. You not only have to keep your stories straight, but you have to deal with all that guilt on a day to day basis. I feel guilty if I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings so to continuously lie would be totally taxing! I'm not sure if everyone feels guilty about such things, but I would! OK. Again, I guess I talked about that more than I wanted to so I'm moving on to the next feeling and the one that I hope will carry me throughout the year.
I feel happy because of all of the support that I have received from friends and family. I have so many kind and caring people in my life and I know that it's silly to focus on the past negativity. That's why I try to write about it so I can let it go. I am not an angry person. I'm a happy person. :) All of the wonderful people in my life help me to be that way. I hope that when I am certified as a foster parent that I can help bring happiness into the lives of any children that may pass through my home. I feel that this is something I am meant to do and I look forward to this next step in my journey of life! Peace and happiness to all of you! :)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Kindness and Honesty
I know I'm on a roll today with posting, but I had several different subjects I wanted to write about and I didn't want to lump it all into one. Kindness and honesty is something that I think about often. Now, I know I'm not perfect and I make tons of mistakes but I really do try to be a good and decent person and I try to do the right thing. I try not to judge others but I suppose we all do at some point without realizing it at times. I really try not to though! I will start by saying that I have been blessed in my life with some really wonderful people who are kind and thoughtful, and honest so I have a really hard time when someone is not. It really bothers me deep down into my soul and it hurts me at times. Will I get over it? Yes. Will I move on? Yes. Does it still bother me? Yes!
Some of you know what I am referring to here and others may wonder but I really struggle with the fact that one person's lies can cause damage to so many people, especially when the person is preying on kind and decent people. I will never understand it. I continue to pray every night for this person as well as many other people but I don't see any change. I know that I just need to accept the fact that I can't change anyone on my own and whatever will be will be. At times, this is easier to do than others. Today, I am having a more difficult time with this and with accepting this fact of life. Tomorrow will be better.
I'm sorry for my rambling and for going on and on. This is more for me than for anything else and it helps me to process it all. It's like my journal for all to see! LOL. But I need to put it out there and to just let it go. I truly am happier without the negativity in my life that was there but I worry about other women that may fall victim to the same lies and negativity that I endured. I think that I unfortunately need to let that go and work on something that I can do to help others and that is foster care. I wanted to do it several years ago and now I can! That's why I'm working on getting all of the important stuff done.
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
That was a short post, but somehow it was helpful to get it out. Please bare with me as I work through and past this in posts from time to time. Luckily there is only a small group of you who reads this. LOL! :)
Some of you know what I am referring to here and others may wonder but I really struggle with the fact that one person's lies can cause damage to so many people, especially when the person is preying on kind and decent people. I will never understand it. I continue to pray every night for this person as well as many other people but I don't see any change. I know that I just need to accept the fact that I can't change anyone on my own and whatever will be will be. At times, this is easier to do than others. Today, I am having a more difficult time with this and with accepting this fact of life. Tomorrow will be better.
I'm sorry for my rambling and for going on and on. This is more for me than for anything else and it helps me to process it all. It's like my journal for all to see! LOL. But I need to put it out there and to just let it go. I truly am happier without the negativity in my life that was there but I worry about other women that may fall victim to the same lies and negativity that I endured. I think that I unfortunately need to let that go and work on something that I can do to help others and that is foster care. I wanted to do it several years ago and now I can! That's why I'm working on getting all of the important stuff done.
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
That was a short post, but somehow it was helpful to get it out. Please bare with me as I work through and past this in posts from time to time. Luckily there is only a small group of you who reads this. LOL! :)
Rock On!
This is my actual post for today. :) I spent the day with my godson Alex and my friend Jacqueline and her son John and we had an awesome day. Alex is 9-years old and John is 8-years old. We began our day by meeting at IHOP for breakfast. Yummy! The boys hit it off instantly and got along well for the majority of our time together (minus a little question about the rules for Uno. LOL).
Our plans were to go to "The Edge" rock climbing gym in Halfmoon, but since they didn't open until noon we had some time to kill so off to the toystore we went. What fun! We started at one toystore and the adults had just as much fun as the kids! We would have spent more time there, but the kids really needed a restroom and they didn't have one for us to use there. :( Instead, we stopped at the coffee shop, where Jacqueline and I got ourselves another cup of coffee and then headed off for our next adventure. Guess where we ended up? In ANOTHER toy store. This one was much smaller but had some really cool novelty stuff and we bought some Mad Libs to do with the kids! :)
Enjoy the pic of the wonderful "characters" I spent my day with. :) After our visit to this toy store, we went to the lobby of Clifton Park Center where we did a few MadLibs. The boys were laughing hysterically! That was the best and reminded me of the days when I used to do Mad Libs as a kid. And as if this wasn't enough fun for the day, we STILL had our trip to the rock climbing gym!
We got to the gym where they gave Jacqueline and I instructions on belaying so that we could do it for the kids and for each other. Then we each took our turns at climbing. :) We took lots of pictures and I will add a few at the end of this post. We all had a really great time and helped to encourage each other. Jacqueline and John had to unfortunately leave earlier than Alex and I so the two of us left to have a quick Burger King lunch (boys really get hungry!) before coming back to climb some more! I mostly belayed (since kids aren't allowed) and Alex did several climbs. Some of them he attempted but had difficulty. At times, he wanted to give up quickly and with a little encouragement, he was able to make it farther than his initial attempts. :) On his last climb, he made it more than half way, but not to the top. I told him, if he made it to the top, I would get him a cookie. He tried again, and YES he made it! It was a fun-filled day with awesome company!
And that's the end of this post. Rock On! :)
Our plans were to go to "The Edge" rock climbing gym in Halfmoon, but since they didn't open until noon we had some time to kill so off to the toystore we went. What fun! We started at one toystore and the adults had just as much fun as the kids! We would have spent more time there, but the kids really needed a restroom and they didn't have one for us to use there. :( Instead, we stopped at the coffee shop, where Jacqueline and I got ourselves another cup of coffee and then headed off for our next adventure. Guess where we ended up? In ANOTHER toy store. This one was much smaller but had some really cool novelty stuff and we bought some Mad Libs to do with the kids! :)
Enjoy the pic of the wonderful "characters" I spent my day with. :) After our visit to this toy store, we went to the lobby of Clifton Park Center where we did a few MadLibs. The boys were laughing hysterically! That was the best and reminded me of the days when I used to do Mad Libs as a kid. And as if this wasn't enough fun for the day, we STILL had our trip to the rock climbing gym!
We got to the gym where they gave Jacqueline and I instructions on belaying so that we could do it for the kids and for each other. Then we each took our turns at climbing. :) We took lots of pictures and I will add a few at the end of this post. We all had a really great time and helped to encourage each other. Jacqueline and John had to unfortunately leave earlier than Alex and I so the two of us left to have a quick Burger King lunch (boys really get hungry!) before coming back to climb some more! I mostly belayed (since kids aren't allowed) and Alex did several climbs. Some of them he attempted but had difficulty. At times, he wanted to give up quickly and with a little encouragement, he was able to make it farther than his initial attempts. :) On his last climb, he made it more than half way, but not to the top. I told him, if he made it to the top, I would get him a cookie. He tried again, and YES he made it! It was a fun-filled day with awesome company!
Jacqueline literally "learning the ropes"
Alex and John horsing around
Me making sure that the ropes are safe
New friends :)
Alex at the top
Me climbing
And that's the end of this post. Rock On! :)
Holy Cannoli!
This post actually refers to last night, but I've been busy! I went to H&R Block today to work on filing all of my back taxes. For those of you who know me well, you know that I don't always (or even ever) keep on top of my financial matters. I'm trying to change all of that and the first step is filing my taxes! I got nervous one year when my brother did my taxes and said that I was going to owe around $1000. I did not know how I could afford that and I stupidly became too "busy" to take care of things.
Anyway, I decided that I really needed to "bite the bullet" and take care of it, even if I owed money. I figured I could get on a payment plan if needed. So, I got all my W-2's together from the previous years since 2009 (No, that is not a typo). I know I shouldn't be putting this in written format but maybe this will help make me more accountable for my actions. I tell you, I truly have good intentions and I "mean" to get these things done, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed! This is my way of taking one step at a time. Anyway, the good news is that I am able to use my mom as a dependent (sort of). I get a tax credit for having her here and I then become "head of household." And the other good news is that we mapped out the 2009 taxes and I will be getting a pretty sizeable refund for that year. The bad news is that it's going to be pretty pricy to get my taxes done for all of the years. $173 for 2009 and somewhere around $300 for all of the subsequent years because of my Pampered Chef business. Yikes! But... hopefully the refund from 2009 will cover the expenses of having my taxes done. And, I will feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when its all done, so in the end it will be worth it! :)
Then I can deal with the property tax issue. Ugh! Again, I am making progress so I will take it!
Now, on to the fun stuff! After I dealt with the initial tax appointment, I went to the Pfaffenbach's for pizza before going to Gio Culinary Studio where we made....... Wait for it! Can you guess? Cannoli! And boy were they delicious! We also made almond cookies that were also fabulous with a chewy center. Not only did we eat there but we also brought some home. I brought two cannolli and two almond cookies so I could share with my mom. Did I share? Why, yes I actually did! I'm not sure they would have lasted, however if my mom had been in bed already, but as it turns out she was still awake. Lucky for her! Anyway, it was a fabulous way to spend my evening with awesome friends who are such an awesome family! :)
Anyway, I decided that I really needed to "bite the bullet" and take care of it, even if I owed money. I figured I could get on a payment plan if needed. So, I got all my W-2's together from the previous years since 2009 (No, that is not a typo). I know I shouldn't be putting this in written format but maybe this will help make me more accountable for my actions. I tell you, I truly have good intentions and I "mean" to get these things done, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed! This is my way of taking one step at a time. Anyway, the good news is that I am able to use my mom as a dependent (sort of). I get a tax credit for having her here and I then become "head of household." And the other good news is that we mapped out the 2009 taxes and I will be getting a pretty sizeable refund for that year. The bad news is that it's going to be pretty pricy to get my taxes done for all of the years. $173 for 2009 and somewhere around $300 for all of the subsequent years because of my Pampered Chef business. Yikes! But... hopefully the refund from 2009 will cover the expenses of having my taxes done. And, I will feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when its all done, so in the end it will be worth it! :)
Then I can deal with the property tax issue. Ugh! Again, I am making progress so I will take it!
Now, on to the fun stuff! After I dealt with the initial tax appointment, I went to the Pfaffenbach's for pizza before going to Gio Culinary Studio where we made....... Wait for it! Can you guess? Cannoli! And boy were they delicious! We also made almond cookies that were also fabulous with a chewy center. Not only did we eat there but we also brought some home. I brought two cannolli and two almond cookies so I could share with my mom. Did I share? Why, yes I actually did! I'm not sure they would have lasted, however if my mom had been in bed already, but as it turns out she was still awake. Lucky for her! Anyway, it was a fabulous way to spend my evening with awesome friends who are such an awesome family! :)
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Reflections or Venting (Not sure yet)
Hi All!
It's been a while since my last post but I've been super busy! I've been working on my house and getting things done! Yay!
I was originally going to write a post with the title "Buggin Out" and tell you about my experience with head lice. Yuck! Yes, it finally happened.... I got head lice from one of my little preschoolers. I'm all clear now and I made it through! I will talk about this at a later time. Right now, I need to vent about my ex. I usually keep these types of things to myself but I feel the need to get some things out of my system and figured this is a good place to do it!
I will start by saying that I am doing great! I am happier than I have been in a while and as I said above, I am making progress and getting things done. :) I have even been texting with someone that I met online and have plans to meet. As I think I mentioned in a previous post, this is not my main focus at this time but it's nice to be taking things slow and getting to know someone. I will definitely be more cautious than I have been in the past and will not ignore red flags.
So, here goes. My ex has continued to text me since we broke up over the summer. Most of the time I ignore the texts. Sometimes I respond in anger. Sometimes I respond with words of encouragement, depending on the situation. I will admit that I needed to text about a house question regarding some work he did in the past because I am having some other work done now. Most of all, I am trying to move on and the periodic texts that I receive about his "emptiness" without me and things that he wishes we were doing together anger me. He spent much of our relationship lying to me and seeing other women. He will blame it on something that I did or didn't do, but the bottom line is that he wasn't honest about anything. I have moved past this for the most part and am happy with my life. The thing that I worry about is other women being victimized by this man. After telling me how empty he feels without me a few days ago and wishing me a Happy Valentines Day today, he was spotted at PF Changs with a woman and her two young children. I couldn't help myself and I had to say something (via text). He of course vehemently denied that he was even there. My source is a very reliable one so I don't doubt it for a minute. His information, on the other hand, is not so reliable from past experience.
I know I can't save them all or maybe not even any of them, but I just have such a hard time accepting this. I also don't want to be a nasty person but sometimes it happens. Anyway, I just needed to vent about that a little. I generally try to be positive and I have done really well with moving on and moving forward, but when I get these texts and then hear about a "sighting" it just churns up some of the old anger and anxiety. I figured this time, rather than letting it fester, I would get it out and it actually feels good!
I'm gonna stop there for now and will hope not to revisit this anytime soon! Stay tuned for more updates regarding foster care and house preparation. :) And I am on vacation after tomorrow! Can't wait! Yippee! Wahoo! OK, I'm done!
P.S. Looks like venting won out over reflections! LOL!
It's been a while since my last post but I've been super busy! I've been working on my house and getting things done! Yay!
I was originally going to write a post with the title "Buggin Out" and tell you about my experience with head lice. Yuck! Yes, it finally happened.... I got head lice from one of my little preschoolers. I'm all clear now and I made it through! I will talk about this at a later time. Right now, I need to vent about my ex. I usually keep these types of things to myself but I feel the need to get some things out of my system and figured this is a good place to do it!
I will start by saying that I am doing great! I am happier than I have been in a while and as I said above, I am making progress and getting things done. :) I have even been texting with someone that I met online and have plans to meet. As I think I mentioned in a previous post, this is not my main focus at this time but it's nice to be taking things slow and getting to know someone. I will definitely be more cautious than I have been in the past and will not ignore red flags.
So, here goes. My ex has continued to text me since we broke up over the summer. Most of the time I ignore the texts. Sometimes I respond in anger. Sometimes I respond with words of encouragement, depending on the situation. I will admit that I needed to text about a house question regarding some work he did in the past because I am having some other work done now. Most of all, I am trying to move on and the periodic texts that I receive about his "emptiness" without me and things that he wishes we were doing together anger me. He spent much of our relationship lying to me and seeing other women. He will blame it on something that I did or didn't do, but the bottom line is that he wasn't honest about anything. I have moved past this for the most part and am happy with my life. The thing that I worry about is other women being victimized by this man. After telling me how empty he feels without me a few days ago and wishing me a Happy Valentines Day today, he was spotted at PF Changs with a woman and her two young children. I couldn't help myself and I had to say something (via text). He of course vehemently denied that he was even there. My source is a very reliable one so I don't doubt it for a minute. His information, on the other hand, is not so reliable from past experience.
I know I can't save them all or maybe not even any of them, but I just have such a hard time accepting this. I also don't want to be a nasty person but sometimes it happens. Anyway, I just needed to vent about that a little. I generally try to be positive and I have done really well with moving on and moving forward, but when I get these texts and then hear about a "sighting" it just churns up some of the old anger and anxiety. I figured this time, rather than letting it fester, I would get it out and it actually feels good!
I'm gonna stop there for now and will hope not to revisit this anytime soon! Stay tuned for more updates regarding foster care and house preparation. :) And I am on vacation after tomorrow! Can't wait! Yippee! Wahoo! OK, I'm done!
P.S. Looks like venting won out over reflections! LOL!
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