My "vacation" week is coming to a close and I can definitely say that I have accomplished some things but I also feel like I have a long way to go. I have had a mixture of feelings about many different things. I feel hopeful because I am making some progress toward my goals of foster care, getting my finances in order, and getting my house together. I feel frustrated because all of these things take time and energy. To be honest, I often have a difficult time getting myself motivated to do the things I need to do and that is frustrating to me at times. Sometimes I have so many things on my plate that I become overwhelmed but it's weird because I can have that overwhelmed feeling whether its one thing or 20 things. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I sometimes get very frustrated with myself. It helps me to plan things with other people because then I "have" to move! LOL! I feel happy because I have lots of friends and family who support me in my various endeavors, which definitely keeps me going! So thank you to all of you for all you do. Sometimes I feel disenchanted because there are people that have been in my life that didn't turn out to be who I thought they were. It also makes me feel sad but I know that I am strong and can move past this eventually. It's just something that is hard for me to digest at times. I do, however continue to pray for these type of people.
Okay, so lets talk about my hopefulness! I finally filed my taxes for the past 4 years. I think I may have posted that in one of my previous entries but it's pretty big news so it's worth posting again. I like having this blog because even though everyone who reads it knows all of my business, it's not like posting 5 million posts on facebook where people who don't necessarily care read it. It's something you can click on if you want to. You may not always want to read about ALL of my rantings but you can just glaze over those parts if you want (I don't mind. LOL). I mostly just do this for myself and anyone who wants to know. I don't really tell everyone about this blog. I may invite a few people here and there to read it, but really not many. Ok... I got a little sidetracked there. So, I completed my taxes and I was so nervous that I was gonna owe tons of money and it turns out I'm getting a refund even after all the fees from H&R Block and after having to pay taxes for 2010. Yippee! And I was so scared! Next step is working on getting a loan for my back taxes on my house. One step at a time. I'm also hopeful because I am making steps toward getting my house in order, although at the moment it looks like a tornado came through here! But, I have my washer and dryer hooked up and the painting is really coming along. I have to pick up the bed from my friend Jess and the crib from my friend Tiana. Just have to check with my brother if I can borrow his truck.
Frustration.... This feeling comes and goes quite a bit. I get frustrated by the organization (or lack of) in my house. I know I need to get used to dealing with a child in the house and organization will be out the window, but at least I can establish rules for the child. The same is not always true with my mother and she really does try to help. It's just that her "help" often causes me more work, which can be frustrating. I get frustrated with myself because I am not more patient with her and I don't spend much quality time with her. Yes, I make sure she has meals such as setting out her breakfast in the morning and heating up a microwave meal at dinner time but I know that's lame. I think I need to get everything else in order before I can focus on actually cooking dinners. It may just be an excuse but it sometimes comes down to lack of motivation. I know I am going in circles here but that's what frustration can do! Ugh!
I'm going to skip to disenchanted and sad so I can end on happy! :) I think that disenchanted and sad go together. I don't want to talk too much about my relationship with John because I really want to move on and close that chapter in my life, but it seems to pop up time and again. I really wish that I could take away the happy memories from the relationship and cherish them, but because of all that I now know, all of my memories are tarnished. Each time I think about a point in our relationship that I felt really and truly happy, I wonder who else he was texting or if he was sending pictures to another woman. I think about all of the times that he couldn't go away with me for a weekend because he "couldn't afford it" but then he took a trip to North Carolina to see an ex-girlfriend and then lied about why he went there. I think about the times he was staying at my house and when I would get home from work he would get dressed up and leave to go do work "at the cabin owners place" which turned out to be a girlfriend. I think about the times he had to "work" in Catskill, and how his phone never had reception and then to later find out that this was another girlfriend. There are countless examples of deception and lies and although I questioned them, I accepted the lame excuses that were given to me and I continuously went back and gave him more chances. I think about how stupid I was and how gullible. It makes me sad because I truly was invested in the relationship and it was all one big lie. It will definitely change what I will accept from others in the future but it makes me sad to think that someone feels the need to be so deceptive and manipulative towards those who are vulnerable and kind. Luckily, I am also a strong person and I will get past this and have for the most part. It just hits me at times more than at others. When you have spent 4 1/2 years of your life with a person and you are deceived the way that I was, it doesn't just go away overnight. It comes and goes in waves. It doesn't mean that I am sitting here pining away. It just means that I feel truly sad that a person feels they need to do those things to get ahead in life. I will never resort to that kind of behavior for many reasons. First of all, I think that lying takes a lot of energy. You not only have to keep your stories straight, but you have to deal with all that guilt on a day to day basis. I feel guilty if I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings so to continuously lie would be totally taxing! I'm not sure if everyone feels guilty about such things, but I would! OK. Again, I guess I talked about that more than I wanted to so I'm moving on to the next feeling and the one that I hope will carry me throughout the year.
I feel happy because of all of the support that I have received from friends and family. I have so many kind and caring people in my life and I know that it's silly to focus on the past negativity. That's why I try to write about it so I can let it go. I am not an angry person. I'm a happy person. :) All of the wonderful people in my life help me to be that way. I hope that when I am certified as a foster parent that I can help bring happiness into the lives of any children that may pass through my home. I feel that this is something I am meant to do and I look forward to this next step in my journey of life! Peace and happiness to all of you! :)
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